“I’ve always loved to wake up early,” remarked Tatz while shooting clay pigeons in Los Alamos, “and I’ve always loved to bake cakes. And one day I just realized that the two fit.”

And how did he realize it?

“When I walked into a bakery and asked the baker what time he had to get up every day for work.”

But will this new calling impede his Rollerchairball playing?

“Unfortunately, yes. I’ll have to spend most of my time here at the bakery, seeing as how I don’t trust any of my employees, that is, employee, that is, uhh, Mike Barone.”

But won’t that let Wood surpass you in the rankings?

“Well, Wood will pass me eventually. It’s just a matter of time. Sooner rather than later, I always say.”

And how is the business running so far?

“Pretty well. Brandon Lock has asked me to cater the dessert portion of his upcoming Block Mansion Christmas party. He’s asking for about 200,000 cakes, which, at my reduced fee for a RCB legend will put his bill at about $2.4 billion. Which I think is pretty reasonable, seeing as how he insists the cake flour be mixed with actual flecks of gold. He wants the cake to reflect in the strobe lights.”

But won’t an ingredient like that effect the way the guests feel the day after?

“That’s exactly what I said to Lock. But all he said was, ‘If you remember the day after, let alone feel good the day after, then you didn’t go to a Block Party.’”

Currently, Doug Tatz’s bakery does not have a name, but he said he is willing to entertain suggestions, preferably ones made in the comment section of this article.

Discuss this article here.

“To say I’ve made a mistake would be a mistake,” said Suzanne via satellite from her 5-million-dollar-a-month condo atop the Empire State Building. “In fact, saying I’ve decided to dedicate my Rollerchairball life to Taylor Greene would be correct to say it is correct. I don’t want to sound confusing, but it would be confusing not to say I was studying under Taylor Greene, since to not do so would be confusing.”

For clarification, Suzanne continued: “You see, if I weren’t seeing, on the court, what Taylor Greene wants me to see, then I would only be seeing what I want to see, which usually ends up being what my opponents want to see, which is me not seeing what the referees see. That’s Taylor’s first lesson: always see what the referees see and then you’ll know when you’re out of their seeing.”

When this reporter asked Suzanne what good it is to be out of the referee’s seeing, she responded: “When you are unseen is when you can cheek and the one who cheeks unseen will remain in their chair, for it is in seeing that referees make calls. This is Taylor’s second lesson, that calls can only be made by seeing and calling without seeing is impossible for Stout or Wood.”

Not all female players have joined with Greene’s philosophy and some call it downright heresy. Bri Stout explains: “Greene is a Rollerchairball gnostic. Her chairology is nothing but fancy word repititions designed to dazzle and confound the new player into believing she has some sort of secret Rollerchairball knowledge. The truth is all Greene is doing is convincing future opponents to cheat and get caught by the refs so she can win and move up in the rankings.”

Greene’s office was contacted for comment and had this to say: “Miss Greene cares nothing for rankings and is only interested in educating new players to be the best players they can be. She is thrilled to be able to impart whatever knowledge she can to those who want to learn and she will be happy to answer any questions you have of her, as long as you submit them in writing, and allow 10 to 60 years for a reply.”

An investigation is currently underway by the league’s top chairologists into the substance of Greene’s teachings.

Discuss this article here.

A few months ago, after being introduced to Rollerchairball by his longtime yodeling partner, Brandon Lock, Mr. Bogerdozen was hooked. When he found out the game was created before the year 2000, he began hiccuping and then passed out. “I’d just finished the manuscript for my newest book, ‘The 20th Century’s Quantum Leap: Not the TV Show,’ so you can understand how I felt when I realized I’d just wasted seven years of research and writing time. Plus, I’d just pounded a Crave Case.”

When asked what he was thinking as he came to consciousness, Mr. Bogerdozen said this: “I suddenly realized that I had no idea what quantum mechanics was, or what quantum mechanics means, or even why I was wearing a life jacket, since it wasn’t Wednesday.”

Mr. Bogerdozen went on: “But I knew what I had to do. Rollerchairball needs to be recognized for what it is, a divine sport.”

When asked if Mr. Bogerdozen will throw out his entire quantum mechanics manuscript completely, or keep portions of it as a sort of template for the Rollerchairball book, he had this to say: “No, I’ll be keeping it. All I’m going to do is just take out all the parts that say ‘quantum mechanics’ and replace them with ‘Rollerchairball.’ Maybe throw in some other stuff. It shouldn’t be a problem.”

Here is an excerpt from the book: “In physics, Rollerchairball is the study of the relationship between energy quanta (radiation) and matter. Rollerchairball is also a fundamental branch of physics with wide applications in both experimental and theoretical physics. The effects of Rollerchairball are typically not observable on macroscopic scales, but become evident at the atomic and subatomic level. Rollerchairball theory generalizes all classical theories, and provides accurate descriptions for many previously unexplained phenomena such as The Lone Ranger and arguing with the ref.

(Thank you to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantum_mechanics for its contribution to the last paragraph of this article)

Discuss this article here.

While Mike Barone hasn’t physically been present at Rollerchairball, his presence is still felt. The Ambassador explains: “Every Tuesday evening we get a note sent to us from Barone that says, ‘I’ll be there,’ which at first gives you hope, but then you start thinking, well, where is ‘there?’ He could be ‘there’ anytime, wherever ‘there’ is. That is, he could be anywhere, whether it be today or a thousand years from now. You just don’t know. That’s why I’m seriously thinking of joining with Red Star, or at least negotiating. At this point, I’ll try anything to get Barone back, even if it means signing with a company you actually have to pay to work for, rather than get paid.”

Many Rollerchairball players are sympathetic to The Ambassador’s missing of Barone, but many also feel The Ambassador’s making a mistake. Kyle Stout had this to say: “I miss Barone as much as The Ambassador, but to sign with Red Star won’t bring Barone back. The only thing that will bring Barone back is if we allow him to wear his duck suit while playing, and we just can’t have that, at least not until the 2007 Halloween Contest.”

When asked whether he thinks Barone will be there, Stout responded: “I think he’ll be back one day, when he’s ready. I hear he’s been on the strict White-Castle-only diet, and that can only mean he’s gearing up for something big, like a dance with the Lone Ranger.”

Discuss this article here.

“I don’t know what you’re used to,” mused Doug Tatz, while taking a break from changing the oil on his snowmobile, “but unless I’m on a boat as big as Rhode Island and unless I’m being offered giant nacho hats with a brim that actually holds in the cheese without it making the hat all mushy, then I’m probably not going to be happy. Luckily, the Rollerchairball Cruise Line offers all that and more.”

Rollerchairball Cruise Line is offering anywhere from week-long to month-long trips and even decade-long trips.

“A decade may seem like a long time,” said Brandon Lock, while walking through his manicured gardens in Tijuana, “but when you think of the price, 148 billion dollars, then you really realize why it’s worth staying on the boat those whole ten years. When you’re paying that much, you need to get your money’s worth, especially when you’ve had to give up your career to go on the trip.”

When asked if he would ever go on a trip that long, Mr. Lock didn’t reply, but offered this reporter a pen advertising Gill’s So-So Lobster Shanty.

“Mr. Lock insists you go there,” said one of the 30 bodyguards surrounding Mr. Lock and this reporter. “It’s like you’re questions–mediocre.”

The bodyguards then scurried Mr. Lock off through a secret doorway in a tree which seemed, to this reporter, to have loud disco music blaring from inside.

“We’re thrilled,” said Kyle Stout from his yacht, just off the coast of Massachusetts. “We were a little worried about sponsors, at first, since Tatz had alienated so many of our previous sponsors by refusing to mention their names anymore at press conferences. But it worked out. White Castle and RC Cola were there for us, just like they’re there for all of you.”

The channel will feature live, on-the-spot coverage of all the latest games, from exhibition, to tournament, to 2v1s, and, of course, in-depth analysis.

“Since there’s games going on all over the world,” said Mackenzie Eckert, from her cell phone at an undisclosed KFC, “we are able to keep the channel exciting round the clock. There’s no period at night where we’re off the air. And if there isn’t a game to be shown in the middle of the night, then I’ll call and wake people up and make them play, or else.”

Many players are expecting to have their own show in the future. Taylor Greene had this to say: “I haven’t cleared this yet with the Founding Fathers plus Mike, but I hope to have a Magic Hour. And if not, then I’ll ask for a Magic Half-Hour. I’m willing to compromise. I mean, really, there’s only so many thumb tricks I can do before the kids turn on me.”

Rollerchairball TV is available through your local cable provider for $3 billion a month.

“I’m ready,” said Taylor Greene. “I knew there was a reason I bought one of those huge heaters that football players use on the sidelines.”

And Ms. Greene is not the only player excited about the recently-dubbed “Rollerchairball on Ice.” Doug Tatz spoke to us via instant messenger from his training center.

“I love the idea. It’s just too warm for me here in Newfoundland.”

But will there be any reservations about the possible problem of controlling one’s chair along the ice?

“Not especially,” says Mackenzie Eckert. “We’ve decided to wear ice skates instead of shoes. And if we happen to get a heavy snow, we’ll just put those giant tennis racket things on our feet.”

All players will be required to wear sunglasses during the tournament and are prohibited from saying “brrrrrr.”

So many of the high-paid rollers are sick and tired of dishing out big dollars to high-flying attorneys and accountants to try and figure out how to maneuver around the tax laws.

“I don’t even know why I bother having someone do my taxes anymore,” sighed Doug Tatz, who currently pays $3.2 billion a quarter in taxes. “I honestly think I’d save more by just paying penalties than actually paying all these people to do the math for me. Besides, I’ve always enjoyed the word ‘guesstimate’.”

Taylor Greene agrees: “Right now, with my tax bracket, I’m actually paying about 93% of my income to the IRS. At least, I think that’s where it’s going. The envelopes they give me all have the Block Mansion as the return address.”

When asked whether either player would maybe like a sip of my wheat-grass smoothie, both responded, “Yeah, sure,” and then drove away.

4:15am–continue brushing teeth intensely because of the raw eggs

4:30am–run ten miles

4:35am–catch breath

9:30am–oil chair, Febreeze pads

9:45am–take shower

12:30pm–head to Block Mansion Recreation Area (BMRA), do 100 laps in pool while in chair

12:40pm–dry-off

12:41pm–have a note sent to Mr. Lock thanking him for the use of his facilities, and that he is really too gracious (this is a great way to be invited to his next party)

12:42pm–adjourn to Courtyard to meditation on how to improve play

4:00pm–send another note to Mr. Lock informing him that to improve your play, you’ll need another million–and that’s million with a “b”

4:01pm–take nap before dinner in one of the thousands of hammocks located on the Block Mansion grounds

4:25pm–awaken to the butler saying that Mr. Lock has revoked your dinner invitation

4:27pm–sneak into guest house, eat leftovers. brush teeth.

5:00pm–roll home (this is a slow exercise meant to aid digestion)

6:00pm–arrive home, store chair in its garage (a true Rollerchairball player has three garages, one for his chair, one for his car, and one for his zeppelin)

6:05pm–begin push-ups

9:30pm–begin sit-ups

2:30am–head to White Castle for Crave Case. brush teeth at White Castle.

3:00am–return home, call friends telling them you just ate an entire Crave Case. Brush teeth at home.

3:45am–sleep

“We figured it was time,” said Lisa Moore-Mayo, head of marketing for McDonald’s. “All the kids these days have traded in their video games for chairs, and they just roll around the streets and sidewalks saying, ‘Check out this sweet move–I’m Brandon Lock,’ or ‘Watch me get around this oncoming pedestrian like Kyle Stout.’ Rollerchairball is in the cultural bloodstream.”

Brandon Lock, head of Block International, is thrilled at the idea. “I always knew McDonald’s would get on board. They’re smart people. I wouldn’t be eating a Big Mac a day if I didn’t think so.”

When asked what action-poses each figurine would be in, Mr. Lock replied, “It depends on the individual’s strengths. We’re still working on the exact poses. Whatever happens, we know that we will always look good, otherwise we’re taking our business to White Castle.”