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RSSTatz Bakes His Way Into Billions
Doug Tatz is finally realizing a life-long dream: waking up everyday at 4am to bake cakes.
“I’ve always loved to wake up early,” remarked Tatz while shooting clay pigeons in Los Alamos, “and I’ve always loved to bake cakes. And one day I just realized that the two fit.”
Suzanne Goes Greene
Like most ladies playing Rollerchairball today, Suzanne Hirsel has elected to go under the tutelage of one of the leagues most controversial masters – Taylor Greene.
“To say I’ve made a mistake would be a mistake,” said Suzanne via satellite from her 5-million-dollar-a-month condo atop the Empire State Building. “In fact, saying I’ve decided to dedicate my Rollerchairball life to Taylor Greene would be correct to say it is correct. I don’t want to sound confusing, but it would be confusing not to say I was studying under Taylor Greene, since to not do so would be confusing.”
Rollerchairball Replaces Quantum Mechanics as 20th Century’s Biggest Breakthrough
“I decided to go back and take a look at the century again,” said Hozen Bogerdozen during a press conference, just after finishing his 15th Rollerchairball game in a single night. “This game,” he went on, through his interpreter, “like the sun, has changed the way I see the world.”
Ambassador Open to Talks with Red Star
“I think it’s about time,” said Doug Tatz, The Ambassador of All Things Tasty. “We haven’t seen Mike Barone for months. In fact, I’m pretty sure we’ve haven’t seen him for years. It’s just so difficult to tell when you’re dealing with such a master of illusion as himself.”
RCB Cruise Line Set to Launch
Rollerchairball has announced another venture in its trillion dollar a day business: cruises.
“I don’t know what you’re used to,” mused Doug Tatz, while taking a break from changing the oil on his snowmobile, “but unless I’m on a boat as big as Rhode Island and unless I’m being offered giant nacho hats with a brim that actually holds in the cheese without it making the hat all mushy, then I’m probably not going to be happy. Luckily, the Rollerchairball Cruise Line offers all that and more.”
Rollerchairball Cruise Line is offering anywhere from week-long to month-long trips and even decade-long trips.
“A decade may seem like a long time,” said Brandon Lock, while walking through his manicured gardens in Tijuana, “but when you think of the price, 148 billion dollars, then you really realize why it’s worth staying on the boat those whole ten years. When you’re paying that much, you need to get your money’s worth, especially when you’ve had to give up your career to go on the trip.”
When asked if he would ever go on a trip that long, Mr. Lock didn’t reply, but offered this reporter a pen advertising Gill’s So-So Lobster Shanty.
“Mr. Lock insists you go there,” said one of the 30 bodyguards surrounding Mr. Lock and this reporter. “It’s like you’re questions–mediocre.”
The bodyguards then scurried Mr. Lock off through a secret doorway in a tree which seemed, to this reporter, to have loud disco music blaring from inside.
Rollerchairball TV Has Arrived
Last night, at 7pm EST, Rollerchairball went on the air, live.
“We’re thrilled,” said Kyle Stout from his yacht, just off the coast of Massachusetts. “We were a little worried about sponsors, at first, since Tatz had alienated so many of our previous sponsors by refusing to mention their names anymore at press conferences. But it worked out. White Castle and RC Cola were there for us, just like they’re there for all of you.”
The channel will feature live, on-the-spot coverage of all the latest games, from exhibition, to tournament, to 2v1s, and, of course, in-depth analysis.
“Since there’s games going on all over the world,” said Mackenzie Eckert, from her cell phone at an undisclosed KFC, “we are able to keep the channel exciting round the clock. There’s no period at night where we’re off the air. And if there isn’t a game to be shown in the middle of the night, then I’ll call and wake people up and make them play, or else.”
Many players are expecting to have their own show in the future. Taylor Greene had this to say: “I haven’t cleared this yet with the Founding Fathers plus Mike, but I hope to have a Magic Hour. And if not, then I’ll ask for a Magic Half-Hour. I’m willing to compromise. I mean, really, there’s only so many thumb tricks I can do before the kids turn on me.”
Rollerchairball TV is available through your local cable provider for $3 billion a month.
Rollerchairball Tournament Scheduled for Antarctica
Rollerchairball is taking its groundbreaking game to the unbreakable ice courts of Antarctica.
“I’m ready,” said Taylor Greene. “I knew there was a reason I bought one of those huge heaters that football players use on the sidelines.”
And Ms. Greene is not the only player excited about the recently-dubbed “Rollerchairball on Ice.” Doug Tatz spoke to us via instant messenger from his training center.
“I love the idea. It’s just too warm for me here in Newfoundland.”
But will there be any reservations about the possible problem of controlling one’s chair along the ice?
“Not especially,” says Mackenzie Eckert. “We’ve decided to wear ice skates instead of shoes. And if we happen to get a heavy snow, we’ll just put those giant tennis racket things on our feet.”
All players will be required to wear sunglasses during the tournament and are prohibited from saying “brrrrrr.”
Rollerchairball Endorses Flat-Tax
No matter who you ask in the Rollerchairball world, the answer is always the same: “Yes, there should be a flat-tax,” and, “No, I don’t want to go get some pasta.”
So many of the high-paid rollers are sick and tired of dishing out big dollars to high-flying attorneys and accountants to try and figure out how to maneuver around the tax laws.
“I don’t even know why I bother having someone do my taxes anymore,” sighed Doug Tatz, who currently pays $3.2 billion a quarter in taxes. “I honestly think I’d save more by just paying penalties than actually paying all these people to do the math for me. Besides, I’ve always enjoyed the word ‘guesstimate’.”
Taylor Greene agrees: “Right now, with my tax bracket, I’m actually paying about 93% of my income to the IRS. At least, I think that’s where it’s going. The envelopes they give me all have the Block Mansion as the return address.”
When asked whether either player would maybe like a sip of my wheat-grass smoothie, both responded, “Yeah, sure,” and then drove away.
A Typical Training Day for a Rollerchairball Player
4:00am–Wake up, drink glass of raw eggs, brush teeth
4:15am–continue brushing teeth intensely because of the raw eggs
4:30am–run ten miles
4:35am–catch breath
9:30am–oil chair, Febreeze pads
9:45am–take shower
12:30pm–head to Block Mansion Recreation Area (BMRA), do 100 laps in pool while in chair
12:40pm–dry-off
12:41pm–have a note sent to Mr. Lock thanking him for the use of his facilities, and that he is really too gracious (this is a great way to be invited to his next party)
12:42pm–adjourn to Courtyard to meditation on how to improve play
4:00pm–send another note to Mr. Lock informing him that to improve your play, you’ll need another million–and that’s million with a “b”
4:01pm–take nap before dinner in one of the thousands of hammocks located on the Block Mansion grounds
4:25pm–awaken to the butler saying that Mr. Lock has revoked your dinner invitation
4:27pm–sneak into guest house, eat leftovers. brush teeth.
5:00pm–roll home (this is a slow exercise meant to aid digestion)
6:00pm–arrive home, store chair in its garage (a true Rollerchairball player has three garages, one for his chair, one for his car, and one for his zeppelin)
6:05pm–begin push-ups
9:30pm–begin sit-ups
2:30am–head to White Castle for Crave Case. brush teeth at White Castle.
3:00am–return home, call friends telling them you just ate an entire Crave Case. Brush teeth at home.
3:45am–sleep
Happy Meal Toys to Feature Rollerchairball Legends
McDonald’s announced this morning its plans to offer figurines of Rollerchairball legends in each Happy Meal.
“We figured it was time,” said Lisa Moore-Mayo, head of marketing for McDonald’s. “All the kids these days have traded in their video games for chairs, and they just roll around the streets and sidewalks saying, ‘Check out this sweet move–I’m Brandon Lock,’ or ‘Watch me get around this oncoming pedestrian like Kyle Stout.’ Rollerchairball is in the cultural bloodstream.”
Brandon Lock, head of Block International, is thrilled at the idea. “I always knew McDonald’s would get on board. They’re smart people. I wouldn’t be eating a Big Mac a day if I didn’t think so.”
When asked what action-poses each figurine would be in, Mr. Lock replied, “It depends on the individual’s strengths. We’re still working on the exact poses. Whatever happens, we know that we will always look good, otherwise we’re taking our business to White Castle.”
Rollerchairball Terminology Currently Thrown Around Workplace
This reporter receives lots of emails from fans of Rollerchairball all over the world. Here are just a few about how the sport has influenced the work lives of these fans.
1) Bob in accounting always gets the numbers right at the end of each quarter. Without that, our company just wouldn’t start each new quarter wheeling the line.
2) I’ve now been fired twice for filling the watercooler jugs with sand. Apparently, this action is out of bounds.
3) Where I work, there is no set schedule, just as long as everyone completes 40 hours at the end of the week. Like tomorrow, I’ll probably be playing at will around 11:30, and getting downed at around 8:45.
4) Lewis in finance spider-climbed his way into the front office by marrying the boss’ daughter.
5) One time I sat down in what I thought was my office and began doing paperwork. When Lisa came in to tell me to get out of her chair, I knew I was offside.
6) This morning my boss overheard me firing Jenkins, when, in actuality, he had asked me to fire Hankins. I had to go on a six month suspension for that safety.
7) Once a week, I have to give a power-point presentation at the press conference.
8) Each morning, before starting work, we all flip for offices.
9) I do the supply orders at work. The company who makes our supplies has been late on our orders twice in the past month. One more cheeking, and we get an order free of charge.Православни икони
Items Currently Sporting a Rollerchairball Logo
1) Mugs
2) Pencils
3) Stamps
4) Mud-flaps
5) Couch cushions
6) Hats
7) T-Shirts
8) Bars of Soap
9) Stationery
10) Jones Soda
Ways Rollerchairball Has Helped This Reporter
1) I no longer am afraid of sitting in a chair.
2) I had no idea how professional I looked in a helmet.
3) I now have enough money to blow it all in a day, rather than in 15 minutes.
4) I now am officially recognized as a “house member” in the Block mansion, where before I was just thought of as the trespasser who spelled words in the grass with gasoline.
5) Doug will, I guess, take me as a teammate, where before he would just pay me not to show up.
6) I get to have a cameo in Craig “Three Fingers” Eckert’s upcoming blockbuster movie.
7) I always suspected that leaving a chair was a penalty.
8) I have now been on seven yachts–all Mr. Lock’s, and each one different depending on the day of the week.
9) I now know where Worthington is.
10) I am the only reporter in the world who doesn’t have to get up before daylight.
Rollerchairball Better Than Football, Survey Says
As of this morning, 97% of surveys sent out to millions of Americans were returned. And the results were not surprising.
“What we see is an overall shift in the sports paradigm of our country,” said Brandon Lock in a phone interview from his ranch in Dillon, Montana. “People are tired of the steroids, the astroturf, and the strange giant fork you have to kick a ball through.”
Although not all surveys have been fully analyzed due to the sometimes lengthy essays provided by some, the message is clear–the people want Rollerchairball.
“I’ve been glancing over a lot of the essays,” said Kyle Stout from a text-message interview from an undisclosed Japanese steakhouse, “and what I’m seeing is a disgust with what typical American sports are giving us. People want honesty, integrity, and taunting of the proper kind, not rough language and the occasional pile-on.”
When asked what sample of the population was given the survey, Mr. Stout replied, “The right sample.”
Coppertone Named Official Sunblock of Rollerchairball
The sun brought the heat at yesterday’s Rollerchairball tournament in Zane-Vegas.
“We had to do something,” said Brandon Lock, head of Block International and sun enthusiast. “I mean, I gotta have my rays, but people gotta be safe, too.”
When Coppertone got the call from Mr. Lock, they were stunned. “How many opportunities does a company get to sponsor a world-renowned sport such as Rollerchairball? Not very many, let me tell you.”
Rumors are that Coppertone will produce a “gargantuan strength” sunblock made especially for the players of Rollerchairball.
“I’ve heard things about an SPF487, although that sounds pretty conservative to me,” said Kyle Stout, who is currently out of the country filming a documentary on the world’s little known, second-tallest mountain, Mt. Evermost. “It’ll be like wearing a rubber suit, except for the discomfort part.”
No word yet on what the cost of each bottle of “The Block” will be, as it is rumored to be called, although estimates are in the thousands.
Why People Should Come To The Next Tournament
1) Mr. Lock is rumored to appear.
2) Mr. Stout will playing his first tournament after attaining Rollerchairball nirvana with the 4 v. 1 victory.
3) I will be using my infamous “one-wheel” chair.
4) What happens in Zanes-Vegas stays in Zanes-Vegas.
5) You will be a victor of some sort, even if it’s only for “raising the roof.”
6) You will probably make the cover of Sports Illustrated.
7) Nacho-hats will only be a dollar this time.
8] In Rollerchairball, “millions” is spelled with a “b”.
9) Helicopters will take us all home.
10) Home will be, from then on, Mr. Lock’s estate.
When You Know You Have a Rollerchairball Problem
1) Before starting anything, like your car, you say “Wheel the line.”
2) Every time someones get out of a chair, you accuse them of cheeking.
3) You insist that after every game you play, even one of checkers, there be a press conference.
4) Every time you do something good, such as holding a door for someone, you say “mark it.”
5) There is a painting of Mr. Lock in your house.
6) Every time you break the law, such as running a stop sign, you consider it a “loss of down.” After three downs, you just get out of the car and walk home.
7) No one could figure out why you were screaming out during the Spiderman movies, “Half the distance!”
8] You allow me, from time to time, to sleep in your trunk.
9) You’re convinced that Mr. Stout and Mr. Lock use performance-enhancing supplements.
10) You’ve read to the end of this list.
RC Cola Named Official Soft Drink of Rollerchairball
Early this morning, at 5:27am ET, Brandon Lock, head of Block International, signed an official deal with RC Cola naming it the only soft drink endorsed by Rollerchairball.
“I’m thrilled,” said Lock, speaking through an interpreter, since he now insists on only communicating through facial expressions. “I mean, it’s Roller Chair Cola, how much more portentous can it get? I love the taste, I love the colors, and I know the players will, too.”
When asked what else swayed him into the deal, Mr. Lock replied, “The caffeine. I have to caffeinate.”
Another Block official present at the signing, Kyle Stout, had this to say: “In the past we’d been together with Coke, but ever since the assassination attempt on Mr. Lock’s life, Coke has not been the beverage of choice. Watching Mr. Lock make his mark with his ostrich-feather pen was the dawning of a new day for Rollerchairball.”
When asked whether that might be because the sun would be rising soon, Mr. Stout replied, “Maybe.”
No word yet from league physicians on whether RC Cola is the best choice for re-hydration during a game, as Mr. Lock is still formulating their opinions.
Why Rollerchairball is like the Indiana Jones Movies
–Both were founded by awesome dudes
–Both feature lovely leading ladies
–Both have great chase scenes
–Both deal with obtaining the supernatural, i.e. the Holy Grail, beating United RC
–Both take place in the 1930s and yet can sometimes be from the 50s
–Both have great composers, i.e. John Williams, Craig Eckert
–Both are funded by Block
–Both make millions (and that’s millions with a “b”)
–Bboth feature someone who played James Bond, i.e. Sean Connery, Kyle Stout
–Both are filmed in multiple locations
–Both feature subs
–Both have websites dedicated to them
–Both are never rated R
–Both are heavily against cheeking (remember the scene in the Last Crusade when Indy and his Dad are tied to the chairs?)
–Both have millions of fans from around the world
–Both feature cameos by Mike Barone
Barone Says No to Red Star, Yes to Burmese Jungle
Life in the Burmese Jungle has taught Mike Barone one thing: if you have to do business, make sure it’s in a place with poisonous snakes.
“Being bitten thirty-seven times in four days will change a man,” said Mike Barone in a text-message interview from an undisclosed hospital, “especially in his attitude towards latex boots.”
The man who found him, Brandon Lock, said he was really worried at first when he found Mr. Barone lying in the middle of the jungle, half-conscious.
“I’d just come to a clearing and was sitting on a fallen log wiping my brow, when I hear this faint voice off to my left, and it sounded like it was saying, “Red Star, why’d it have to be Red Star?” So I go over and there’s Barone lying on some sort of man-made leaf bed, eyes closed, shivering, and talking absolute brilliance about Red Star. I knew then that he was ready to go home.”
When asked if Barone was difficult to carry out of the jungle, Lock responded, “Not with my workout regimen.”
In the end, Mike Barone admits he learned something from his jungle experience: “Being in the jungle made me realize how much money I was wasting in not being with Block. Red Star was an illusion from the beginning, and I’m finally to a place now where I can admit that I use player money for trips to Sonic.”
When asked if he’d ever head back into the jungle, Barone responded, “In a snake-bite.”
Chia-Batista Spotted
Yet another appearance of the disappeared Dave Chia-Batista was reported yesterday afternoon. Doug Tatz of Worthington, Ohio, reports:
“I was walking down to Worthington Pizza to pick up my hourly spokesperson check, when I spotted ol’ ‘Batista rowing a boat down High St.”
Rowing a boat? This reporter was confused.
“Yeah,” Tatz, went on. “I was baffled myself. When I called out to him and asked what he was doing, he raised an oar and said, ‘Whatever’s on land doesn’t sink in the water, Tatzy!’ When I called Lock to tell him about it, he said, ‘Don’t worry about it. During June, Dave thinks every day is a Wednesday.’”
Brandon Scherer and Kyle Stout were asked to comment, but could not be reached, as they are currently searching for Mike Barone, who was last seen entering the Burmese jungle with a soup pan on his head and a song on his lips.
No word yet on whether Mr. Chia-Batista obeys the traffic lights.
Brandon United at PNB
Louie McGeez, Associated Press
Brandon Lock and Brandon Scherer, known around the league as “Brandon United,” were spotted last Saturday leaving Park National Bank with a large sack marked with a dollar sign. When asked what sort of business they were attending to, Mr. Scherer answered, “The business of me gettin’ some Gs, McGeez.” When asked the same question, Mr. Lock answered, “It’s time to bring things to life, McGeez. The turkeys are done ditching the line.”
“So to speak?” asked this reporter, confused.
“So to what?” asked Mr. Scherer, taking off his sunglasses.
“Explain the meaning of Mr. Lock’s last statement” answered this reporter.
“That’s your job,” replied Mr. Lock, as both legends climbed onto and rode away on their tandem bicycle.Подаръциикони