Cereal traditionalists cried foul when they discovered the new color strongly resembles an old color, which seems to contradict a General Mills policy. Usually, GM phases out a marshmallow piece if a new color matches an older one. In this case, the newly-unveiled Greene Office Chair finds a similar hue to that of the green clovers. This similarity has caused these so-called loyalists to ask for heads to roll: “These Rollerchairball players are ruining my breakfast!” cried Sebastian Jackson, “Are they above the rules? Am I the only one who cares about the rules?”

Taylor Greene, in a highly-publicized press conference, defended herself and the league. “These people all need to settle down. My new color is not even green, it’s “Greene.” They’re completely different,” Greene noted. “Not to mention, in addition to green clovers, there is already a two-tone green leprechaun hat in each box! Is that not a violation of their sacred policy?”

Jackson countered, “That’s hogwash. The hats and the clovers are obviously separate colors. The office chairs are exactly the same as the hats!”

Greene shot back, “The hats are leprechaun green. My office chairs are unmistakably Mean Forest Greene.” She also challenged Jackson to take a color blindness test and a polygraph. When asked why she wanted him to take the lie-detector test, she answered, “Because he deserves to be vindicated as a truth teller, so people can tell he is obviously insane.”

She finished her conference by stating, “This is a great day for Rollerchairball and for cereal. The office chair is finally gaining the respect it deserves in mainstream America, right next to the shooting star, the rainbow, and the marshmallow heart.”

For a limited time, each box of Lucky Charms will include a piece of the unwashed t-shirt that served as the National League of Rollerchairball’s official ball for over two years.

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Doyle picked me up in his Hummer, bright yellow, of course, and instructed me that he would display a few moves he had developed, culled from a website he created, called “HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF.” Skeptical at first, I scoffed at Doyle’s pomposity. Surely he could not be adept in the ways of annoyance. McDonald’s taught me otherwise: Doyle pulled up to the drive-thru and screamed, “I’ll have a number one. That’s TO-GO!” The cashier responded, “excuse me?” Doyle quipped, “You heard me, TO-GO!” He looked at me, winked, and said, “a number one value meal and lesson number one, ain’t life grand?”

As we drove away, he turned on his windshield wipers, despite the fact that not one storm cloud sat in the sky. After about five minutes, the sound of the dry wipers on the dry glass passed a point of bear-ability. I asked Doyle if he would kindly turn them off, since no rain was falling. “I’m keeping them tuned up,” he retorted. Silently, I knew I had received lesson number two.

Doyle then asked me to tell him about my life. “I have a beautiful wife,” I started, but before I could continue, he added, “that’s what you think.” Staring at him, I countered, “she is very attractive, thank you, and we’re very much in love.” He blankly stared at me and responded, “that’s what you think.” Baffled, I asked, “We’re not in love? We value nothing more in life than each other.” Doyle simply said, “that’s what you think.” Starting to become angry, I shot off, “How would you know? Felicia and I only spend time together!” Lesson number three was complete when Doyle answered, “that’s what you think.” Of course, at the time I did not realize the lesson and started to doubt the fidelity of my marriage. All in a day’s work with George Doyle.

Moving on, Doyle shifted the conversation. I started to become annoyed with him when he continually ended each sentence with “in accordance with prophesy.” When we passed a gas station, he said, “Gas sure is expensive this week, in accordance with prophesy.” “I have a meeting with the execs today, in accordance with prophesy.” “My Rollerchairball defense is the best in the world, in accordance with prophesy.” At this statement I had to protest, “Certainly Mr. Wood has the best defense in the game.” Doyle replied, “Your idiocy is enormous, in accordance with prophesy.” Lesson number four.

Several times during the day I attempted to speak to Doyle and he signaled the conversation was over by putting his hands over his ears and screaming. Lesson number five.

At Doyle’s mansion, he handed me the manuscript to his latest Rollerchairball strategy book, which I had requested to preview, but I could not read much, since he had stapled all the pages in the middle. He insisted the middle-page method is a top-tier type of annoyance. “Works on any boss,” he noted. He asked if I wanted to kick back and watch some television on his 108″ plasma television. When I obliged, the screen portrayed every person as an intense green. When I told Doyle I thought his tinting levels were off, he told me, “no, I like it that way.” Six and seven.

We then made our way to a restaurant, a sit-down affair. When Doyle reached the hostess, she offered to seat him, but he declined her offer, instead eating their complimentary mints. Several times she tried to seat Doyle, but he refused until the plate of mints was empty. We then left. In the car ride home, Doyle kept saying, “Do you hear that?” When I asked what he was talking about, he responded, “Never mind, it’s gone now.” Thirty seconds would pass and he would again ask, “Do you hear that?” Hearing nothing, I said, “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.” That happened about 18 times in a row. Pulling in the drive way, Doyle said, “I hope you liked lessons eight and nine.”

Doyle needed to go to the grocery store, so of course I tagged along. Cheery people said hello to Doyle as they passed him in the aisles. Unfortunately, most ended up despising him because Doyle insisted on asking each person what gender they were. Lesson 10 nearly had us both in fisticuffs with several gentlemen who did not appreciate having their masculinity questioned.

To end nearly every night, Doyle attends the opera. That night, we took in “Aida,” one of Doyle’s favorites. To everyone’s utter dismay, Doyle sang along to every aria. When the woman in front of us told him he was annoying, he responded, “that’s what you think.” She countered, “you’re singing in the middle of an opera.” Doyle came back: “in accordance with prophesy.” The woman looked at him unknowing what to say next. Doyle cocked his head like a parakeet and calmly asked her, “Do you hear that?” She answered, “What?” Doyle cooly stated, “Never mind, it’s gone now.” He then launched into another round of singing. The woman summoned the usher, who approached Doyle, but before he could say a word, Doyle asked him, “My good fellow, what gender are you?” The usher would have none of it and asked Doyle to leave. Undaunted, Doyle put his hands over his ears and started screaming, effectively ending the conversation.

We ended up in the street, but Doyle smiled and said, “the singing was number 11 and I gave you a cool dozen to wrap things up.” “What was the 12th,” I wondered aloud. “Mix them all together, my good fellow,” he replied. I nodded and said, “I think I’m starting to get the hang of this.” Doyle simply stated, “that’s what you think.”

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When asked why the courts were named National Seashores, Lakeshores, and Rivers, President Bush quipped, “Are you serious? Rollerchairball courts present the first line of defense to our country from Europe and Asia, hence oceans. Have you ever felt more at peace than on a Rollerchairball court? Nothing rivals the tranquility other than the many lakes of Maine. And Rollerchairball courts are driving commerce as the third millennium’s frontiers expand, just as rivers drove the deal when we had no cars or trains to transport heavy machinery on the US frontier.”

Bush later added, “I’ll make Rollerchairball courts National Cemeteries, too, as soon as someone is buried underneath one.”

Apart from becoming the most protected areas in the country, Rollerchairball courts also received some other distinctions with the proclamations. RCB courts are just the second to be dubbed both National Monument and Historic Shrine, joining Fort McHenry National Monument and Historic Shrine. The fort is famously the home of the bombardment of the British Navy on the United States during the War of 1812, where Francis Scott Key penned the US National Anthem. Commenting on the achievement, the National League of Rollerchairball’s Director of Marketing, Mackenzie Eckert, noted that “RCB will now need its own Star Spangled Banner, to further rub it into the noses of those snobs at Fort McHenry. We don’t much care for British drinking songs, but we know when to go too far.”

Additionally, RCB courts are the first to receive the “quadruple crown” of National Battlefield Parks, National Military Parks, National Battlefields, and National Battlefield Sites. Officials from Gettysburg believe the designation will cheapen the lives given by soldiers on its grounds, but NLR’s Director of Player Relations, Andrew Wood, believes otherwise: “Who are they to denigrate the good names of those who lost lives on Rollerchairball courts? Their souls are worth every bit as anyone who couldn’t manage to survive Gettysburg. I mean, Pickett didn’t even need to charge.” Wood seemed uneasy when asked about the fact that no one has officially died on a Rollerchairball court. “I suppose that depends on your definition of dying,” he scoffed.

In addition to the droves of tourists expected to hit RCB courts thanks to the new statuses, NLR officials are overjoyed that litterers will finally have to pay for their crimes. Indeed, George Doyle has already been shipped to federal prison for treating the courts as if they are his personal trash can. Rumors abound that he is now the cell mate of Mike Barone.

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Upon preparing a nourishing meal, a Nevada woman recently discovered a rat’s head in a can of green beans. The woman bought the Allen Canning product at Walmart. Allen Canning offered $100 in restitution – a “gesture of goodwill” – to the woman, as spokesman James Phillips said, “There’s no way that product could have hurt her. This rodent was rendered commercially sterile. We cook each can individually at a temperature up to 265 degrees.”

The woman turned down the offer.

Upon investigating Allen Canning, Rollerchairball Quarterly unearthed a connection between the company and Rollerchairball mainstay, Red Star Wheels and Chairs. Chairman and CEO of Red Star, Mike Barone, holds a 0.01% share in Allen Canning.

When reached for comment on the incident, Barone noted, “I have not heard all the details of the event here in prison, but I’ve been assured we won’t lose too many pesos to any potential backlash.”

When asked why Red Star owns a share of the food company, Barone replied, “Diversification is always a goal of Red Star Wheels and Chairs. We were the first Rollerchairball company to get into Super Soakers and look how that turned out.”

Barone’s nonchalant attitude toward the mix up perplexed this reporter, since Rollerchairball players around the world demand rodent-free cuisine. Still, despite steel bars and old age, the once-titan of wheels and chairs added a gem of wisdom: “I wouldn’t be worried about the rat’s head; I wonder who got the body.”

When asked what exactly he was doing, Wood remarked, “The word paparazzi originated from Fellini’s classic, La Dolce Vita, in which a photographer is named for a dialectical word for a particularly noisy mosquito.” When a reporter pulled out his iPhone and did a quick fact check, he queried Wood, “Did you steal that definition from Wikipedia?”

Before the question was complete, the room of photographers was astonished to find they snapped pictures of an empty bench, as Wood had disappeared. At the time, it was not certain whether Wood’s performance was a clever ruse devised by the reclusive legend to stump paparazzi or if he is actually, indeed, the star of the new television show, Journeyman.

A cryptic letter from Wood to the New York Times states that he is wintering in his vacation home in the Bahamas, waiting for magazine subscriptions he was promised to arrive. He also added that he is not a member of the cast of Journeyman, but left the door open for Quantum Leap. Wood seemed unaware that it is not winter.

Rumors now swirl that we will not see Wood again until at least the spring-time, when he is notorious for searching the Ozarks for the ivory-billed woodpecker.