Stout Jumps Grand Canyon in Chair

by Merdley Girston

The National League of Rollerchairball’s top-rated player, Kyle Stout, recently achieved a feat that even Evel Knievel could not. Last Saturday, in front of a crowd of a couple people and on national television, Stout ramped 10 miles across the Grand Canyon in his chair.

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Posted on May 16th, 2008 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Lock Dresses Up as Kobe Bryant, Jumps Aston Martin

Founding Father and National League of Rollerchairball legend Brandon Lock recently donned a full-body Kobe Bryant costume and showed off his jumping skills by leaping over a speeding Aston Martin.

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Posted on April 29th, 2008 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Derek’s Infallibility Seriously Questioned

The powers that be championed Derek as a weather prognosticator of pristine power. No mere weather man, Derek was closer to meteorological prophet than 10 o’clock snow man. So they said. Recently Derek’s infallibility has come under intense scrutiny, however, as he predicted a snow day for central Ohio schools last week.

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Posted on February 26th, 2008 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Traces of Wood Found in Ancient Meteorite

In a bizarre, but not completely surprising, development, traces of Andrew Wood were found in a meteorite which has been radiometricly age dated at over 6 billion years old. This discovery is stunning mostly due to the fact that the Earth itself is believed to be 4.5 billion years old.

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Posted on February 5th, 2008 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Ødegaard Mortgages White House

In a move which can only be described as shocking, National League of Rollerchairball trillionaire Anja Ødegaard purchased the White House from the United States government last week. Before the shockwaves of the transaction even registered throughout the world, Ødegaard went one step farther by mortgaging the property to a development group from Scotland. Some say she took one step too many.

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Posted on December 14th, 2007 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Greene Becomes Newest Lucky Charms Color

General Mills shocked the breakfast world recently with the announcement that Lucky Charms will add another marbit to its repertoire. The Rollerchairball world rejoiced when they learned the new marshmallow bit comes thanks to Taylor Greene, National League or Rollerchairball superstar and leprechaun aficionado.

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Posted on November 2nd, 2007 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Sweating Life with George Doyle

In poker, when a master allows someone to watch him play, in order to gain a better understanding of the game, he is allowing that person to “sweat” his cards. Last week, this reporter had the invaluable opportunity to sweat life with one of the league’s most enigmatic players, George Doyle. The lessons learned during my day with Doyle will last a lifetime.

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Posted on October 27th, 2007 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Rollerchairball Courts Named National Parks

In a stunning move, President George W. Bush today named all Rollerchairball courts National Parks, National Preserves, National Historical Parks, National Historic Sites, National Battlefield Parks, National Military Parks, National Battlefields, National Battlefield Sites, National Memorials, National Recreational Areas, National Reserves, National Historic and Scenic Trails, Historic Shrines and, bafflingly, National Seashores, National Lakeshores, and National Rivers. The christening marks the first time any piece of real estate has been dubbed all 16 types of protected land.

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Posted on October 25th, 2007 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Red Star Connected to Rat Head

by Splendid Steve

Upon preparing a nourishing meal, a Nevada woman recently discovered a rat’s head in a can of green beans. The woman bought the Allen Canning product at Walmart. Allen Canning offered $100 in restitution – a “gesture of goodwill” – to the woman, as spokesman James Phillips said, “There’s no way that product could have hurt her. This rodent was rendered commercially sterile. We cook each can individually at a temperature up to 265 degrees.”

The woman turned down the offer.

Upon investigating Allen Canning, Rollerchairball Quarterly unearthed a connection between the company and Rollerchairball mainstay, Red Star Wheels and Chairs. Chairman and CEO of Red Star, Mike Barone, holds a 0.01% share in Allen Canning.

When reached for comment on the incident, Barone noted, “I have not heard all the details of the event here in prison, but I’ve been assured we won’t lose too many pesos to any potential backlash.”

When asked why Red Star owns a share of the food company, Barone replied, “Diversification is always a goal of Red Star Wheels and Chairs. We were the first Rollerchairball company to get into Super Soakers and look how that turned out.”

Barone’s nonchalant attitude toward the mix up perplexed this reporter, since Rollerchairball players around the world demand rodent-free cuisine. Still, despite steel bars and old age, the once-titan of wheels and chairs added a gem of wisdom: “I wouldn’t be worried about the rat’s head; I wonder who got the body.”



Posted on October 11th, 2007 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Wood Tickles the Ivories

Rollerchairball legend, Andrew Wood, recently broke his code of dodging paparazzi as he was caught tickling the ivories in Milan last week. Strangely, the room in which Wood performed contained no piano.

When asked what exactly he was doing, Wood remarked, “The word paparazzi originated from Fellini’s classic, La Dolce Vita, in which a photographer is named for a dialectical word for a particularly noisy mosquito.” When a reporter pulled out his iPhone and did a quick fact check, he queried Wood, “Did you steal that definition from Wikipedia?”

Before the question was complete, the room of photographers was astonished to find they snapped pictures of an empty bench, as Wood had disappeared. At the time, it was not certain whether Wood’s performance was a clever ruse devised by the reclusive legend to stump paparazzi or if he is actually, indeed, the star of the new television show, Journeyman.

A cryptic letter from Wood to the New York Times states that he is wintering in his vacation home in the Bahamas, waiting for magazine subscriptions he was promised to arrive. He also added that he is not a member of the cast of Journeyman, but left the door open for Quantum Leap. Wood seemed unaware that it is not winter.

Rumors now swirl that we will not see Wood again until at least the spring-time, when he is notorious for searching the Ozarks for the ivory-billed woodpecker.



Posted on October 2nd, 2007 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Willis Ends Retirement!

At one time, just saying the name Chad Willis to a league player would be a guarantee to elicit one of two reactions. People either loved or hated the man; virtually everyone feared him. On the field, he was known as “the Dennis Rodman of the league,” thanks to his bad-boy antics and rough playing style. Off the field, Willis was the head of security for Block International, and reportedly settled disputes with mafia-style tactics. His abrupt disappearance from the game shocked and confused most fans.

“It was a matter of fear in those days,” league veteran Dave Vermillion offers on Willis, “you knew it was serious if Chad was involved. He was the muscle behind the well-oiled Block machine, but it seemed as if he just sort of vanished one day.”

By the year 2000, several league infractions, a connection to an assassination attempt, and a stint in prison all seemed to be signs that Willis was about to implode. It seemed his cavalier lifestyle and Las Vegas sweet tooth had gotten the best of him. However, Willis was about to pull yet another rabbit out of his hat. Earning his keep and staying under the radar at first, the bad-boy of the league gained an ownership role in Chaos Athletic, signed several endorsement deals, and quietly expanded his political influence. These movements earned him a spot on Rollerchairball Quaterly Magazine’s Men of the Year list. Toward the end of 2001, it seemed everything Willis had a hand in turned to gold.

Yet by October, the shine seemed to be wearing off of Willis’ glittery lifestyle and, without notice, he virtually evaporated. Over five years passed with no word on his existence and most league enthusiasts could only cling to a few scattered reports of Willis sightings. Adam Bentz, a long-time Block player and league MVP puts it in perspective:

“[Willis] was the guy that struck fear into most people. He was crazy and unpredictable, so you can imagine how uncomfortable some people had to be knowing he’s out there somewhere.”

Although his disappearance was often overshadowed by a host of other big name retirements between 2000 and 2002, Willis’ departure still shook the foundation of the game. After the dust had settled and the confusion was forgotten, years passed without as much as a peep from Willis. By 2005, most league players did not even know his name. So it came as a big shock to veterans and rookies alike when the once wild-man showed up to play in the Zanes-Vegas tournament.

Although remaining tight lipped on his living situation, Willis appeared more jovial and quite reserved by comparison to his former self. He talked with players, signed autographs, and played several tame matches. Some say the taste of the more-reserved Willis is a small glimpse into a more relaxed lifestyle. Unnamed sources state that Willis has spent much of his time off playing a more administrative role in Block International, ridding his life of bad influences and quietly maturing. Others claim that the once-ruffian has been living abroad, specifically in Monaco, in an effort to escape his enemies. They say Willis did not return to showcase a more-welcoming personality, but because he was running out of money and wanted a shot at the tournament’s grand prize. The player took just a second to answer questions after he and his teammate, Jake Fletcher, lost a close bout.

“I’ve been around, but I’ve been really busy. It was good to get back into it.” He said. “My private life should stay private for now, because I’m not really at liberty to discuss a lot of things in public. I got invited here to play by league officials, was paired with a great teammate, and ended up having a great time. I’m sure I’ll be back again.”

With that, Willis joined the Block entourage as it left the venue, raising only more questions and sparking even more curiosity. Hopefully, the league and its fans will get more pieces to the Willis puzzle soon. Until then, it is well worth celebrating the return of a controversial legend of the game.



Posted on July 5th, 2007 by block and filed under RQ |