Ødegaard Mortgages White House

In a move which can only be described as shocking, National League of Rollerchairball trillionaire Anja Ødegaard purchased the White House from the United States government last week. Before the shockwaves of the transaction even registered throughout the world, Ødegaard went one step farther by mortgaging the property to a development group from Scotland. Some say she took one step too many.

The development group, rumored to be led by disgraced baseball star Jose Canseco and the National League of Rollerchairball’s Andrew Wood, supposedly intend to use the “estate” as the “Graceland” of the presidents.



“Think about it,” said Canseco, “Graceland is a huge attraction and it was the house of only one famous guy. Wood and I could theoretically turn the White House into an attraction with 13 or 14 different themes, one for each president. Whichever commander-in-chief is the flavor of the week that week, we could set up a Graceland-type setup for him. If Abe Lincoln is the man that week, come see his big hats. If Taft is en vogue, we’ll have his bathtub suites up and running. Or, if Ben Franklin makes a big comeback in the public consciousness, we’ll have lightning rods and wire glasses in the Oval Office. Of course, this is all conjecture, because this is what Wood and I would do if we had purchased the estate. That claim is wild conjecture.”

Perhaps more insulting than what Canseco and Wood may or may not intend to do with one of the nation’s most-sacred landmarks is Ødegaard’s involvement in the process. The story led many citizens to question how someone even has a shot to buy the White House. No public manner exists in which a private investor can purchase the property. Ødegaard noted, “I jumped online and googled ‘buying the White House’ and nothing really came up. Nothing I could use anyway. I made a few calls, but made no real headway. So I just went to the man himself, George W. Bush. I asked him if he were looking to inhabit another household any time in the near future and he just happened to be in the market for a new residence within the next year. I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. Before I knew it, George signed the deed to the place to me.”

But why buy the White House? “I never intended to l live there, goodness no,” Ødegaard said, “I would never be able to sleep with Nixon’s bowling alley always packed. No, I needed to parlay the property into investment funds.”

Ødegaard resold the White House, she claims, to Wood and Canseco for $55 quintillion. Though Wood and Canseco deny the transaction, in a popular video on YouTube, Wood and Canseco can be seen exiting armored trucks who dropped off the cash to Ødegaard’s home in Malibu. Ødegaard added, “The deal was worth slightly more than the four pesos Mike Barone offered me for the White House.”

The plans to use the $55 quintillion are simple. “With the cash,” Ødegaard said, “I will shut down the empire of George Doyle once and for all. In reality, I only needed a couple hundred bucks to incite an uprising of his serfs, but I wanted to beat him down, throw the overkill at him, if you know what I mean. The White House has enabled me to erase completely the traces that Doyle’s empire ever existed.” Ødegaard would not comment on the method in which she plans to achieve that goal. Some speculate that she has created a 2345-hole, all par-six golf course – thought to be the world’s largest – over the previous empire.



The situation leads many Americans to wonder where the president will live in future terms, as well as how they were able to be hoodwinked yet again by Andrew Wood. As far as the head of the Executive Branch goes, this reporter suggests Buckingham Palace. Ødegaard, Wood, and Canseco could surely pull off a deal for that place. When it comes to Wood hoodwinking the public, however, I am plum out of ideas. Maybe it’s time we look ourselves in the mirror and admit we like being hoodwinked by “The Long Arm of the Law.”

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Posted on December 14th, 2007 by kyle and filed under RQ |

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