Rollerchairball Courts Named National Parks

In a stunning move, President George W. Bush today named all Rollerchairball courts National Parks, National Preserves, National Historical Parks, National Historic Sites, National Battlefield Parks, National Military Parks, National Battlefields, National Battlefield Sites, National Memorials, National Recreational Areas, National Reserves, National Historic and Scenic Trails, Historic Shrines and, bafflingly, National Seashores, National Lakeshores, and National Rivers. The christening marks the first time any piece of real estate has been dubbed all 16 types of protected land.

When asked why the courts were named National Seashores, Lakeshores, and Rivers, President Bush quipped, “Are you serious? Rollerchairball courts present the first line of defense to our country from Europe and Asia, hence oceans. Have you ever felt more at peace than on a Rollerchairball court? Nothing rivals the tranquility other than the many lakes of Maine. And Rollerchairball courts are driving commerce as the third millennium’s frontiers expand, just as rivers drove the deal when we had no cars or trains to transport heavy machinery on the US frontier.”

Bush later added, “I’ll make Rollerchairball courts National Cemeteries, too, as soon as someone is buried underneath one.”



Apart from becoming the most protected areas in the country, Rollerchairball courts also received some other distinctions with the proclamations. RCB courts are just the second to be dubbed both National Monument and Historic Shrine, joining Fort McHenry National Monument and Historic Shrine. The fort is famously the home of the bombardment of the British Navy on the United States during the War of 1812, where Francis Scott Key penned the US National Anthem. Commenting on the achievement, the National League of Rollerchairball’s Director of Marketing, Mackenzie Eckert, noted that “RCB will now need its own Star Spangled Banner, to further rub it into the noses of those snobs at Fort McHenry. We don’t much care for British drinking songs, but we know when to go too far.”

Additionally, RCB courts are the first to receive the “quadruple crown” of National Battlefield Parks, National Military Parks, National Battlefields, and National Battlefield Sites. Officials from Gettysburg believe the designation will cheapen the lives given by soldiers on its grounds, but NLR’s Director of Player Relations, Andrew Wood, believes otherwise: “Who are they to denigrate the good names of those who lost lives on Rollerchairball courts? Their souls are worth every bit as anyone who couldn’t manage to survive Gettysburg. I mean, Pickett didn’t even need to charge.” Wood seemed uneasy when asked about the fact that no one has officially died on a Rollerchairball court. “I suppose that depends on your definition of dying,” he scoffed.



In addition to the droves of tourists expected to hit RCB courts thanks to the new statuses, NLR officials are overjoyed that litterers will finally have to pay for their crimes. Indeed, George Doyle has already been shipped to federal prison for treating the courts as if they are his personal trash can. Rumors abound that he is now the cell mate of Mike Barone.

Discuss this article here.



Posted on October 25th, 2007 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Comments are closed.