Red Star Connected to Rat Head

by Splendid Steve

Upon preparing a nourishing meal, a Nevada woman recently discovered a rat’s head in a can of green beans. The woman bought the Allen Canning product at Walmart. Allen Canning offered $100 in restitution – a “gesture of goodwill” – to the woman, as spokesman James Phillips said, “There’s no way that product could have hurt her. This rodent was rendered commercially sterile. We cook each can individually at a temperature up to 265 degrees.”

The woman turned down the offer.

Upon investigating Allen Canning, Rollerchairball Quarterly unearthed a connection between the company and Rollerchairball mainstay, Red Star Wheels and Chairs. Chairman and CEO of Red Star, Mike Barone, holds a 0.01% share in Allen Canning.

When reached for comment on the incident, Barone noted, “I have not heard all the details of the event here in prison, but I’ve been assured we won’t lose too many pesos to any potential backlash.”

When asked why Red Star owns a share of the food company, Barone replied, “Diversification is always a goal of Red Star Wheels and Chairs. We were the first Rollerchairball company to get into Super Soakers and look how that turned out.”

Barone’s nonchalant attitude toward the mix up perplexed this reporter, since Rollerchairball players around the world demand rodent-free cuisine. Still, despite steel bars and old age, the once-titan of wheels and chairs added a gem of wisdom: “I wouldn’t be worried about the rat’s head; I wonder who got the body.”



Posted on October 11th, 2007 by kyle and filed under RQ |

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