Sweating Life with George Doyle

In poker, when a master allows someone to watch him play, in order to gain a better understanding of the game, he is allowing that person to “sweat” his cards. Last week, this reporter had the invaluable opportunity to sweat life with one of the league’s most enigmatic players, George Doyle. The lessons learned during my day with Doyle will last a lifetime.

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Posted on October 27th, 2007 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Rollerchairball Courts Named National Parks

In a stunning move, President George W. Bush today named all Rollerchairball courts National Parks, National Preserves, National Historical Parks, National Historic Sites, National Battlefield Parks, National Military Parks, National Battlefields, National Battlefield Sites, National Memorials, National Recreational Areas, National Reserves, National Historic and Scenic Trails, Historic Shrines and, bafflingly, National Seashores, National Lakeshores, and National Rivers. The christening marks the first time any piece of real estate has been dubbed all 16 types of protected land.

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Posted on October 25th, 2007 by kyle and filed under RQ |

NLR Unveils Ratings System

The National League of Rollerchairball recently adopted a modified ELO ratings system for its players. The ELO system is often referred to as the “chess ratings system” and offers one of the most accurate methods of measuring skill. The NLR modified the classic ELO system to suit the unique nature of Rollerchairball.

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Posted on October 24th, 2007 by kyle and filed under General |

United RC Top Summer Series

Brandon Lock and Kyle Stout, the duo behind the powerhouse squad, United Rollerchairball Club, finished the 2007 National League of Rollerchairball Summer Series on top of the leader board. Lock and Stout teamed for each event during the summer circuit, finishing with the gold medal at every tourney. Both players finished the summer-long points standings with 4800 points.

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Posted on October 24th, 2007 by kyle and filed under Coverage |

Ambassador Open to Talks with Red Star

“I think it’s about time,” said Doug Tatz, The Ambassador of All Things Tasty. “We haven’t seen Mike Barone for months. In fact, I’m pretty sure we’ve haven’t seen him for years. It’s just so difficult to tell when you’re dealing with such a master of illusion as himself.”

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Posted on October 24th, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

NLR Creates Licking Valley Division

The National League of Rollerchairball held an exhibition in Newark, OH, last weekend and, based on the talent flowing from Licking Valley, has added another division to its roster. New players from Licking Valley took to the game easily and displayed raw, natural talent.

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Posted on October 22nd, 2007 by kyle and filed under Coverage |

2007 Halloween Contest

The National League of Rollerchairball proudly announces the 2007 Halloween Contest. On October 30, 2007, the middle school or high school player who attends the weekly rollerchairball night at St. Michael’s in Worthington, Ohio, with the best costume will win $50.

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Posted on October 19th, 2007 by kyle and filed under General |

RCB Cruise Line Set to Launch

Rollerchairball has announced another venture in its trillion dollar a day business: cruises.

“I don’t know what you’re used to,” mused Doug Tatz, while taking a break from changing the oil on his snowmobile, “but unless I’m on a boat as big as Rhode Island and unless I’m being offered giant nacho hats with a brim that actually holds in the cheese without it making the hat all mushy, then I’m probably not going to be happy. Luckily, the Rollerchairball Cruise Line offers all that and more.”

Rollerchairball Cruise Line is offering anywhere from week-long to month-long trips and even decade-long trips.

“A decade may seem like a long time,” said Brandon Lock, while walking through his manicured gardens in Tijuana, “but when you think of the price, 148 billion dollars, then you really realize why it’s worth staying on the boat those whole ten years. When you’re paying that much, you need to get your money’s worth, especially when you’ve had to give up your career to go on the trip.”

When asked if he would ever go on a trip that long, Mr. Lock didn’t reply, but offered this reporter a pen advertising Gill’s So-So Lobster Shanty.

“Mr. Lock insists you go there,” said one of the 30 bodyguards surrounding Mr. Lock and this reporter. “It’s like you’re questions–mediocre.”

The bodyguards then scurried Mr. Lock off through a secret doorway in a tree which seemed, to this reporter, to have loud disco music blaring from inside.



Posted on October 18th, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

Rollerchairball Star Becomes Weatherman

Rollerchairball star Craig Eckert recently became a weatherman for a radio station in the Columbus, Ohio, area. You can check out Craig predicting sun, rain, sleet, or hail on St. Gabriel Radio. In the Columbus vicinity, tune your dials to 89.5 FM or 1270 AM. You can also listen live on the internet by pointing your browser here. Craig’s forecasts air every Thursday, so be sure to check them out!



Posted on October 11th, 2007 by kyle and filed under General |

Red Star Connected to Rat Head

by Splendid Steve

Upon preparing a nourishing meal, a Nevada woman recently discovered a rat’s head in a can of green beans. The woman bought the Allen Canning product at Walmart. Allen Canning offered $100 in restitution – a “gesture of goodwill” – to the woman, as spokesman James Phillips said, “There’s no way that product could have hurt her. This rodent was rendered commercially sterile. We cook each can individually at a temperature up to 265 degrees.”

The woman turned down the offer.

Upon investigating Allen Canning, Rollerchairball Quarterly unearthed a connection between the company and Rollerchairball mainstay, Red Star Wheels and Chairs. Chairman and CEO of Red Star, Mike Barone, holds a 0.01% share in Allen Canning.

When reached for comment on the incident, Barone noted, “I have not heard all the details of the event here in prison, but I’ve been assured we won’t lose too many pesos to any potential backlash.”

When asked why Red Star owns a share of the food company, Barone replied, “Diversification is always a goal of Red Star Wheels and Chairs. We were the first Rollerchairball company to get into Super Soakers and look how that turned out.”

Barone’s nonchalant attitude toward the mix up perplexed this reporter, since Rollerchairball players around the world demand rodent-free cuisine. Still, despite steel bars and old age, the once-titan of wheels and chairs added a gem of wisdom: “I wouldn’t be worried about the rat’s head; I wonder who got the body.”



Posted on October 11th, 2007 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Andrew Wood Project vs. Italians – OSU Onslaught Losers Semis

Check out the video of this amazing match between second-seeded The Andrew Wood Project and fourth-seeded The Italians from the Losers Bracket Semifinals of the Ohio State Onslaught. An even early match yielded to what looked like a rout by The Italians. In an astounding finish, The Andrew Wood Project mount a classic comeback, tying the game and sending it to a do-or-die third down. One of the greatest matches in RCB history!



Posted on October 9th, 2007 by kyle and filed under Video |

RCB RSS Feed Now Available

The world clamored for a feed for rollerchairball.org. Vital resources from the league offices recently opened up. allowing us to bring you the Rollerchairball RSS. This feed will keep you updated with every article posted to rollerchairball.org. Bookmark it, add it to your syndication list, do whatever you need to do, because this feed is the most important on the internet.

Unrelatedly, Andrew Wood is currently stalking Harrison Ford.



Posted on October 7th, 2007 by kyle and filed under Site Update |

Wood Tickles the Ivories

Rollerchairball legend, Andrew Wood, recently broke his code of dodging paparazzi as he was caught tickling the ivories in Milan last week. Strangely, the room in which Wood performed contained no piano.

When asked what exactly he was doing, Wood remarked, “The word paparazzi originated from Fellini’s classic, La Dolce Vita, in which a photographer is named for a dialectical word for a particularly noisy mosquito.” When a reporter pulled out his iPhone and did a quick fact check, he queried Wood, “Did you steal that definition from Wikipedia?”

Before the question was complete, the room of photographers was astonished to find they snapped pictures of an empty bench, as Wood had disappeared. At the time, it was not certain whether Wood’s performance was a clever ruse devised by the reclusive legend to stump paparazzi or if he is actually, indeed, the star of the new television show, Journeyman.

A cryptic letter from Wood to the New York Times states that he is wintering in his vacation home in the Bahamas, waiting for magazine subscriptions he was promised to arrive. He also added that he is not a member of the cast of Journeyman, but left the door open for Quantum Leap. Wood seemed unaware that it is not winter.

Rumors now swirl that we will not see Wood again until at least the spring-time, when he is notorious for searching the Ozarks for the ivory-billed woodpecker.



Posted on October 2nd, 2007 by kyle and filed under RQ |

Rollerchairball TV Has Arrived

Last night, at 7pm EST, Rollerchairball went on the air, live.

“We’re thrilled,” said Kyle Stout from his yacht, just off the coast of Massachusetts. “We were a little worried about sponsors, at first, since Tatz had alienated so many of our previous sponsors by refusing to mention their names anymore at press conferences. But it worked out. White Castle and RC Cola were there for us, just like they’re there for all of you.”

The channel will feature live, on-the-spot coverage of all the latest games, from exhibition, to tournament, to 2v1s, and, of course, in-depth analysis.

“Since there’s games going on all over the world,” said Mackenzie Eckert, from her cell phone at an undisclosed KFC, “we are able to keep the channel exciting round the clock. There’s no period at night where we’re off the air. And if there isn’t a game to be shown in the middle of the night, then I’ll call and wake people up and make them play, or else.”

Many players are expecting to have their own show in the future. Taylor Greene had this to say: “I haven’t cleared this yet with the Founding Fathers plus Mike, but I hope to have a Magic Hour. And if not, then I’ll ask for a Magic Half-Hour. I’m willing to compromise. I mean, really, there’s only so many thumb tricks I can do before the kids turn on me.”

Rollerchairball TV is available through your local cable provider for $3 billion a month.



Posted on October 2nd, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |