Rollerchairball Endorses Flat-Tax

No matter who you ask in the Rollerchairball world, the answer is always the same: “Yes, there should be a flat-tax,” and, “No, I don’t want to go get some pasta.”

So many of the high-paid rollers are sick and tired of dishing out big dollars to high-flying attorneys and accountants to try and figure out how to maneuver around the tax laws.

“I don’t even know why I bother having someone do my taxes anymore,” sighed Doug Tatz, who currently pays $3.2 billion a quarter in taxes. “I honestly think I’d save more by just paying penalties than actually paying all these people to do the math for me. Besides, I’ve always enjoyed the word ‘guesstimate’.”

Taylor Greene agrees: “Right now, with my tax bracket, I’m actually paying about 93% of my income to the IRS. At least, I think that’s where it’s going. The envelopes they give me all have the Block Mansion as the return address.”

When asked whether either player would maybe like a sip of my wheat-grass smoothie, both responded, “Yeah, sure,” and then drove away.



Posted on August 29th, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

A Typical Training Day for a Rollerchairball Player

4:00am–Wake up, drink glass of raw eggs, brush teeth

4:15am–continue brushing teeth intensely because of the raw eggs

4:30am–run ten miles

4:35am–catch breath

9:30am–oil chair, Febreeze pads

9:45am–take shower

12:30pm–head to Block Mansion Recreation Area (BMRA), do 100 laps in pool while in chair

12:40pm–dry-off

12:41pm–have a note sent to Mr. Lock thanking him for the use of his facilities, and that he is really too gracious (this is a great way to be invited to his next party)

12:42pm–adjourn to Courtyard to meditation on how to improve play

4:00pm–send another note to Mr. Lock informing him that to improve your play, you’ll need another million–and that’s million with a “b”

4:01pm–take nap before dinner in one of the thousands of hammocks located on the Block Mansion grounds

4:25pm–awaken to the butler saying that Mr. Lock has revoked your dinner invitation

4:27pm–sneak into guest house, eat leftovers. brush teeth.

5:00pm–roll home (this is a slow exercise meant to aid digestion)

6:00pm–arrive home, store chair in its garage (a true Rollerchairball player has three garages, one for his chair, one for his car, and one for his zeppelin)

6:05pm–begin push-ups

9:30pm–begin sit-ups

2:30am–head to White Castle for Crave Case. brush teeth at White Castle.

3:00am–return home, call friends telling them you just ate an entire Crave Case. Brush teeth at home.

3:45am–sleep



Posted on August 29th, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

Happy Meal Toys to Feature Rollerchairball Legends

McDonald’s announced this morning its plans to offer figurines of Rollerchairball legends in each Happy Meal.

“We figured it was time,” said Lisa Moore-Mayo, head of marketing for McDonald’s. “All the kids these days have traded in their video games for chairs, and they just roll around the streets and sidewalks saying, ‘Check out this sweet move–I’m Brandon Lock,’ or ‘Watch me get around this oncoming pedestrian like Kyle Stout.’ Rollerchairball is in the cultural bloodstream.”

Brandon Lock, head of Block International, is thrilled at the idea. “I always knew McDonald’s would get on board. They’re smart people. I wouldn’t be eating a Big Mac a day if I didn’t think so.”

When asked what action-poses each figurine would be in, Mr. Lock replied, “It depends on the individual’s strengths. We’re still working on the exact poses. Whatever happens, we know that we will always look good, otherwise we’re taking our business to White Castle.”



Posted on August 28th, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

Rollerchairball Terminology Currently Thrown Around Workplace

This reporter receives lots of emails from fans of Rollerchairball all over the world. Here are just a few about how the sport has influenced the work lives of these fans.

1) Bob in accounting always gets the numbers right at the end of each quarter. Without that, our company just wouldn’t start each new quarter wheeling the line.

2) I’ve now been fired twice for filling the watercooler jugs with sand. Apparently, this action is out of bounds.

3) Where I work, there is no set schedule, just as long as everyone completes 40 hours at the end of the week. Like tomorrow, I’ll probably be playing at will around 11:30, and getting downed at around 8:45.

4) Lewis in finance spider-climbed his way into the front office by marrying the boss’ daughter.

5) One time I sat down in what I thought was my office and began doing paperwork. When Lisa came in to tell me to get out of her chair, I knew I was offside.

6) This morning my boss overheard me firing Jenkins, when, in actuality, he had asked me to fire Hankins. I had to go on a six month suspension for that safety.

7) Once a week, I have to give a power-point presentation at the press conference.

8) Each morning, before starting work, we all flip for offices.

9) I do the supply orders at work. The company who makes our supplies has been late on our orders twice in the past month. One more cheeking, and we get an order free of charge.



Posted on August 14th, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

Items Currently Sporting a Rollerchairball Logo

1) Mugs

2) Pencils

3) Stamps

4) Mud-flaps

5) Couch cushions

6) Hats

7) T-Shirts

8) Bars of Soap

9) Stationery

10) Jones Soda



Posted on August 14th, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

Ways Rollerchairball Has Helped This Reporter

1) I no longer am afraid of sitting in a chair.

2) I had no idea how professional I looked in a helmet.

3) I now have enough money to blow it all in a day, rather than in 15 minutes.

4) I now am officially recognized as a “house member” in the Block mansion, where before I was just thought of as the trespasser who spelled words in the grass with gasoline.

5) Doug will, I guess, take me as a teammate, where before he would just pay me not to show up.

6) I get to have a cameo in Craig “Three Fingers” Eckert’s upcoming blockbuster movie.

7) I always suspected that leaving a chair was a penalty.

8) I have now been on seven yachts–all Mr. Lock’s, and each one different depending on the day of the week.

9) I now know where Worthington is.

10) I am the only reporter in the world who doesn’t have to get up before daylight.



Posted on August 14th, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

Rollerchairball Better Than Football, Survey Says

As of this morning, 97% of surveys sent out to millions of Americans were returned. And the results were not surprising.

“What we see is an overall shift in the sports paradigm of our country,” said Brandon Lock in a phone interview from his ranch in Dillon, Montana. “People are tired of the steroids, the astroturf, and the strange giant fork you have to kick a ball through.”

Although not all surveys have been fully analyzed due to the sometimes lengthy essays provided by some, the message is clear–the people want Rollerchairball.

“I’ve been glancing over a lot of the essays,” said Kyle Stout from a text-message interview from an undisclosed Japanese steakhouse, “and what I’m seeing is a disgust with what typical American sports are giving us. People want honesty, integrity, and taunting of the proper kind, not rough language and the occasional pile-on.”

When asked what sample of the population was given the survey, Mr. Stout replied, “The right sample.”



Posted on August 14th, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

Coppertone Named Official Sunblock of Rollerchairball

The sun brought the heat at yesterday’s Rollerchairball tournament in Zane-Vegas.

“We had to do something,” said Brandon Lock, head of Block International and sun enthusiast. “I mean, I gotta have my rays, but people gotta be safe, too.”

When Coppertone got the call from Mr. Lock, they were stunned. “How many opportunities does a company get to sponsor a world-renowned sport such as Rollerchairball? Not very many, let me tell you.”

Rumors are that Coppertone will produce a “gargantuan strength” sunblock made especially for the players of Rollerchairball.

“I’ve heard things about an SPF487, although that sounds pretty conservative to me,” said Kyle Stout, who is currently out of the country filming a documentary on the world’s little known, second-tallest mountain, Mt. Evermost. “It’ll be like wearing a rubber suit, except for the discomfort part.”

No word yet on what the cost of each bottle of “The Block” will be, as it is rumored to be called, although estimates are in the thousands.



Posted on August 1st, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |