Inferno Update – Zanesville Tourney Details

The fourth stop of the NLR’s summer series, The Inferno, will happen this weekend in Zanesville. The date of the tourney has been moved to the alternative date listed on the Summer Series schedule, Saturday July 28. The new location for the event is Zanesville High School at the tennis courts. The rest of the details for the tournament are unchanged; please see the event page for all the specifics on The Inferno.



Posted on July 27th, 2007 by kyle and filed under Tourneys |

Why People Should Come To The Next Tournament

1) Mr. Lock is rumored to appear.

2) Mr. Stout will playing his first tournament after attaining Rollerchairball nirvana with the 4 v. 1 victory.

3) I will be using my infamous “one-wheel” chair.

4) What happens in Zanes-Vegas stays in Zanes-Vegas.

5) You will be a victor of some sort, even if it’s only for “raising the roof.”

6) You will probably make the cover of Sports Illustrated.

7) Nacho-hats will only be a dollar this time.

8] In Rollerchairball, “millions” is spelled with a “b”.

9) Helicopters will take us all home.

10) Home will be, from then on, Mr. Lock’s estate.



Posted on July 25th, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

When You Know You Have a Rollerchairball Problem

1) Before starting anything, like your car, you say “Wheel the line.”

2) Every time someones get out of a chair, you accuse them of cheeking.

3) You insist that after every game you play, even one of checkers, there be a press conference.

4) Every time you do something good, such as holding a door for someone, you say “mark it.”

5) There is a painting of Mr. Lock in your house.

6) Every time you break the law, such as running a stop sign, you consider it a “loss of down.” After three downs, you just get out of the car and walk home.

7) No one could figure out why you were screaming out during the Spiderman movies, “Half the distance!”

8] You allow me, from time to time, to sleep in your trunk.

9) You’re convinced that Mr. Stout and Mr. Lock use performance-enhancing supplements.

10) You’ve read to the end of this list.



Posted on July 25th, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

RC Cola Named Official Soft Drink of Rollerchairball

Early this morning, at 5:27am ET, Brandon Lock, head of Block International, signed an official deal with RC Cola naming it the only soft drink endorsed by Rollerchairball.

“I’m thrilled,” said Lock, speaking through an interpreter, since he now insists on only communicating through facial expressions. “I mean, it’s Roller Chair Cola, how much more portentous can it get? I love the taste, I love the colors, and I know the players will, too.”

When asked what else swayed him into the deal, Mr. Lock replied, “The caffeine. I have to caffeinate.”

Another Block official present at the signing, Kyle Stout, had this to say: “In the past we’d been together with Coke, but ever since the assassination attempt on Mr. Lock’s life, Coke has not been the beverage of choice. Watching Mr. Lock make his mark with his ostrich-feather pen was the dawning of a new day for Rollerchairball.”

When asked whether that might be because the sun would be rising soon, Mr. Stout replied, “Maybe.”

No word yet from league physicians on whether RC Cola is the best choice for re-hydration during a game, as Mr. Lock is still formulating their opinions.



Posted on July 18th, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

Why Rollerchairball is like the Indiana Jones Movies

–Both were founded by awesome dudes

–Both feature lovely leading ladies

–Both have great chase scenes

–Both deal with obtaining the supernatural, i.e. the Holy Grail, beating United RC

–Both take place in the 1930s and yet can sometimes be from the 50s

–Both have great composers, i.e. John Williams, Craig Eckert

–Both are funded by Block

–Both make millions (and that’s millions with a “b”)

–Bboth feature someone who played James Bond, i.e. Sean Connery, Kyle Stout

–Both are filmed in multiple locations

–Both feature subs

–Both have websites dedicated to them

–Both are never rated R

–Both are heavily against cheeking (remember the scene in the Last Crusade when Indy and his Dad are tied to the chairs?)

–Both have millions of fans from around the world

–Both feature cameos by Mike Barone



Posted on July 8th, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

Willis Ends Retirement!

At one time, just saying the name Chad Willis to a league player would be a guarantee to elicit one of two reactions. People either loved or hated the man; virtually everyone feared him. On the field, he was known as “the Dennis Rodman of the league,” thanks to his bad-boy antics and rough playing style. Off the field, Willis was the head of security for Block International, and reportedly settled disputes with mafia-style tactics. His abrupt disappearance from the game shocked and confused most fans.

“It was a matter of fear in those days,” league veteran Dave Vermillion offers on Willis, “you knew it was serious if Chad was involved. He was the muscle behind the well-oiled Block machine, but it seemed as if he just sort of vanished one day.”

By the year 2000, several league infractions, a connection to an assassination attempt, and a stint in prison all seemed to be signs that Willis was about to implode. It seemed his cavalier lifestyle and Las Vegas sweet tooth had gotten the best of him. However, Willis was about to pull yet another rabbit out of his hat. Earning his keep and staying under the radar at first, the bad-boy of the league gained an ownership role in Chaos Athletic, signed several endorsement deals, and quietly expanded his political influence. These movements earned him a spot on Rollerchairball Quaterly Magazine’s Men of the Year list. Toward the end of 2001, it seemed everything Willis had a hand in turned to gold.

Yet by October, the shine seemed to be wearing off of Willis’ glittery lifestyle and, without notice, he virtually evaporated. Over five years passed with no word on his existence and most league enthusiasts could only cling to a few scattered reports of Willis sightings. Adam Bentz, a long-time Block player and league MVP puts it in perspective:

“[Willis] was the guy that struck fear into most people. He was crazy and unpredictable, so you can imagine how uncomfortable some people had to be knowing he’s out there somewhere.”

Although his disappearance was often overshadowed by a host of other big name retirements between 2000 and 2002, Willis’ departure still shook the foundation of the game. After the dust had settled and the confusion was forgotten, years passed without as much as a peep from Willis. By 2005, most league players did not even know his name. So it came as a big shock to veterans and rookies alike when the once wild-man showed up to play in the Zanes-Vegas tournament.

Although remaining tight lipped on his living situation, Willis appeared more jovial and quite reserved by comparison to his former self. He talked with players, signed autographs, and played several tame matches. Some say the taste of the more-reserved Willis is a small glimpse into a more relaxed lifestyle. Unnamed sources state that Willis has spent much of his time off playing a more administrative role in Block International, ridding his life of bad influences and quietly maturing. Others claim that the once-ruffian has been living abroad, specifically in Monaco, in an effort to escape his enemies. They say Willis did not return to showcase a more-welcoming personality, but because he was running out of money and wanted a shot at the tournament’s grand prize. The player took just a second to answer questions after he and his teammate, Jake Fletcher, lost a close bout.

“I’ve been around, but I’ve been really busy. It was good to get back into it.” He said. “My private life should stay private for now, because I’m not really at liberty to discuss a lot of things in public. I got invited here to play by league officials, was paired with a great teammate, and ended up having a great time. I’m sure I’ll be back again.”

With that, Willis joined the Block entourage as it left the venue, raising only more questions and sparking even more curiosity. Hopefully, the league and its fans will get more pieces to the Willis puzzle soon. Until then, it is well worth celebrating the return of a controversial legend of the game.



Posted on July 5th, 2007 by block and filed under RQ |

United RC vs. The Italaians Winners Semis OSU Onslaught

United Rollerchairball Club (Brandon Lock, Kyle Stout) clash with The Italians (JR Brewer, Mike Ford) at the Ohio State Onslaught on June 30, 2007. This match was in the Winners Bracket Semifinals.





Posted on July 5th, 2007 by kyle and filed under Video |

The Dismemberment Plan vs. The Lost 5-22-07

The Dismemberment Plan (Kyle Stout, Debi Schuda) played The Lost (Andrew Wood, Taylor Greene) on May 22, 2007.





Posted on July 3rd, 2007 by kyle and filed under Video |

Barone Says No to Red Star, Yes to Burmese Jungle

Life in the Burmese Jungle has taught Mike Barone one thing: if you have to do business, make sure it’s in a place with poisonous snakes.

“Being bitten thirty-seven times in four days will change a man,” said Mike Barone in a text-message interview from an undisclosed hospital, “especially in his attitude towards latex boots.”

The man who found him, Brandon Lock, said he was really worried at first when he found Mr. Barone lying in the middle of the jungle, half-conscious.

“I’d just come to a clearing and was sitting on a fallen log wiping my brow, when I hear this faint voice off to my left, and it sounded like it was saying, “Red Star, why’d it have to be Red Star?” So I go over and there’s Barone lying on some sort of man-made leaf bed, eyes closed, shivering, and talking absolute brilliance about Red Star. I knew then that he was ready to go home.”

When asked if Barone was difficult to carry out of the jungle, Lock responded, “Not with my workout regimen.”

In the end, Mike Barone admits he learned something from his jungle experience: “Being in the jungle made me realize how much money I was wasting in not being with Block. Red Star was an illusion from the beginning, and I’m finally to a place now where I can admit that I use player money for trips to Sonic.”

When asked if he’d ever head back into the jungle, Barone responded, “In a snake-bite.”



Posted on July 3rd, 2007 by Wood and filed under Wood's Corner |

Greene Named MVP of Ohio St. Onslaught

With three finishes in the Top 3 at the Ohio State Onslaught, Taylor Greene was named the tourneys Most Valuable Player. The award is given to the player most influential to his or her team’s success at the event.

In the High School Division, Greene piloted Luscious Jelly and Jam to a second-place finish with Craig Eckert. She and Andrew Wood ended up third in the Mixed Doubles tourney, losing by one score to both first-place Frog Prince and second-place Steve. In Division A, Greene and Mackenzie Eckert produced the NLR’s biggest upset ever by defeating the second-ranked Andrew Wood Project on their way to a third-place conclusion.

Greene displayed adept aggressiveness, as she powered past male defender after male defender. Her games sent a buzz around the courts, as she played mistake-free and really left defenses little in terms of remedy for her wrecking-ball runs.

With their upset and third-place trophy from the Division A tourney, Greene and Eckert both moved into the Top 5 in the NLR standings.



Posted on July 3rd, 2007 by kyle and filed under Coverage, Tourneys |

United RC Nab Div. A Win at OSU Onslaught

Before the Division A tourney at the Ohio State Onslaught, United Rollerchairball Club found themselves the target of a lot of trash talk and speculation. The Italians, fresh off a win in the High School Division, proclaimed themselves ready for the big stage by predicting victory against the undefeated United RC. The second-ranked Andrew Wood Project, though more humbly, also deemed themselves confident that this tourney would be the one where they would break through against United RC. Despite some interesting games, by the end of the tourney, Brandon Lock and Kyle Stout had silenced all players and pundits.

In the Winners Bracket Semifinals, The Italians got their first shot at the number-one-ranked squad. United RC jumped out to early leads of 5-0 and 7-2.5. At the half, the champions seemed comfortable. Perhaps that comfort led to complacency, as The Italians played efficient offense and managed a turnover against Brandon Lock. They converted the turnover into points, pulling to within one score. United RC stymied all thoughts of a comeback, however, and managed to close out the game with scores on their final three possessions, winning 20-15.

United RC figured the win set them up with a date with Kevin Shaw and Andrew Wood, aka The Andrew Wood Project, in the Winners Finals. That match would never happen, though, as Cinco de Marco, the all-woman team of Taylor Greene and Mackenzie Eckert, stunned AWP in the Winners Semifinals.

Though Greene and Eckert played well in the Winners Finals, they were unable to compete with United RC. Stout and Lock cruised to a relatively easy 20-10 victory, though both players noted the improvement of Cinco de Marco. URC then got to sit back and watch as The Italians, The Andrew Wood Project, and Cinco de Marco tore each other to shreds in the Losers Bracket.

Perhaps the match of the tournament occurred in the Losers Semifinals, as The Italians and The Andrew Wood Project tussled. AWP seemed stunned by their loss to Cinco de Marco and began the match flat. The Italians came out of the gate hard, dominating the first half to the tune of 10-5. The start of the second half featured similar results, as The Italians pushed their lead to 17.5-12.5. AWP could not seem to find a solution to the flowing offense of The Italians. Wood and Shaw scored to make it a one-possession game, but more importantly they caught a break as JR Brewer was called for his third cheeking on the play. The result was a power play for AWP, who easily scored on the 2v1 to tie the game. Still, The Italians just needed a score to win. The momentum, however, was clearly with AWP. The 2v1 had enervated their defense and on game point they pinned The Italians deep in their own territory on the kickoff. First down made matters worse for The Italians, as they were downed just outside their own end zone. Hoping just to avoid the safety, Brewer and Ford moved the ball out on a quick move, trading the down for space. That play left them in a make or break situation, though, and the AWP defense seemed to finally be in place. Fate would not allow the second-rated team to prevail, however, as Wood slipped out of his chair as he hustled to put pressure on The Italians in the backfield. With a de facto 2v1 in place, The Italians easily scored to win 20-17.5.

The Italians then met Cinco de Marco in the Losers Finals. Both teams had only lost to United RC, so both felt confident. Cinco de Marco dashed to a quick lead off the opening play, as Taylor Greene showed savvy trickery, not leaning over to pick up the ball, but instead kicking it forward. Both players for The Italians were reaching for the ball and as it was poked behind them they had no chance to stop Greene, who walked in the score. The crowd roared, as the ladies took an early step to becoming the first all-female team in a Championship Finals Match. Cinco de Marco held the stagger for most of the first half, before making one mistake that allowed The Italians to seize the lead. Though the teams were largely even in the first half, the mistake put the gentlemen up 10-7.5. Cinco de Marco pressed in the second half to make up the stagger, but The Italians played vigilantly and mistake-free. In the end, the boys were just a bit too much for Cinco de Marco, winning 20-15. Despite the loss, the ladies achieved their highest finish ever and showed they are definitely a force in the league.

The Italians then got another shot at United RC. Before the match, someone asked Kyle Stout how long was left before exhibition 3v3 matches would occur. He responded that only one more match needed to be played. Before the sentence could emerge from his mouth, Michael Ford chimed in, saying, “Two more games. Since we’ll have to beat them twice.” Since the tourney was double-elimination, Ford had predicted not only the first ever loss for United RC, but also the second. Whether United RC had waited to unleash the horses for the Finals or the comment irked Stout and Lock, Ford probably wished he had kept his mouth shut.

The Championship Finals were the most-lopsided in NLR history. United RC played tenaciously, pouncing on The Italians on every snap. At halftime, the champions led 10-0. The beat down would get no better for The Italians, as Stout applied hellish pressure during the second half, pinning both players deep in their zone at every opportunity. Ford and Brewer panicked, allowing Lock to make an interception. On the next possession, Stout kept both opponents stuck within their own end zone, at which point Lock swooped in for the game-winning safety. The Italians left the field dejected and embarrassed. The 23.5-0 win gave United RC the Division A title, their Summer Series win in as many events.

Though teams showed some promise against the dynasty, Lock and Stout showed everyone they have a long way to go. 23.5-0 does not happen every day in a Championship Match.



Posted on July 3rd, 2007 by kyle and filed under Coverage, Tourneys |

Cinco de Marco Provide Biggest Upset in NLR History

The Ohio State Onslaught featured the biggest upset in the history of the National League of Rollerchairball. Previous to the event, The Andrew Wood Project had solidified their spot as second-best team in the league, behind United Rollerchairball Club. Cinco de Marco, on the other hand, had never finished in the money. As the two teams met in the Winners Semifinals, most people thought AWP would stroll to a meeting with United RC. Everyone figured incorrectly.

Greene and Eckert played the game of their lives, while AWP seemed lackluster and out of sorts. Cinco de Marco grabbed the opening play and controlled the match early. The crowd showed great appreciation as Taylor Greene and Mackenzie Eckert led at halftime, but waited for AWP to wake up and take back the game. Eckert and Greene would not allow it, however, as they played attacking, yet smart, offense and managed two stops on the high-powered duo of Andrew Wood and Kevin Shaw.

With the score at 17.5-15, the crowd sensed a huge upset. Cinco de Marco needed just one score to advance to the Winners Finals. Greene and Eckert played cautiously, hoping to avoid a turnover. Their safe mindset paid off, as they pushed the ball across the end line, winning 20-15. Those watching all burst into applause, noting the great feat just achieved.

Though Cinco de Marco then lost to United RC and later The Italians, they finished a career-high third and announced their arrival into the upper echelon of rollerchairball.



Posted on July 3rd, 2007 by kyle and filed under Coverage, Tourneys |

Italians Take Onslaught HS Tourney

With reigning champions, Doug’s Left Shoe, out of the Ohio State Onslaught, the best team from Zanesville looked to pounce on the High School Division. The Italians stormed Columbus, looking to make a debut to remember. Michael Ford and JR Brewer looked to show the RCB establishment that the High School Division was not the sole domain of Columbus players.

In the end, they accomplished just that. The only team to threaten The Italians was led by superstar Division A player, Taylor Greene. Greene’s normal High School partner, Debi Schuda, did not attend the tournament, so she created Luscious Jelly and Jam with Craig Eckert.

In the Championship Match, Greene showed she merits a Top 5 ranking, as she took it to the upstart gentlemen of The Italians. Greene played aggressively, beating the boys to the spot on nearly every move she made. Throw in some clutch catches by Eckert and LJAJ were playing well. Unfortunately, their defense could not match the offense. Despite the inability to shut down Greene, Ford and Brewer methodically dismantled LJAJ, never ceding a turnover. The Italians managed a 20-15 victory, scoring the High School title in the process.

The win cemented their claim that Zanesville players can hang with the best of RCB. Hopefully, the next few tourneys will pit the dynamic duo of Doug’s Left Shoe with The Italians to determine the best High School team. That match will definitely be one to watch.



Posted on July 3rd, 2007 by kyle and filed under Coverage, Tourneys |

Frog Prince Win Inaugural Mixed Doubles Tourney

The Ohio State Onslaught, stop number three of the National League of Rollerchairball’s Summer Series, featured the first Mixed Doubles tournament in league history. Some of the best male talent in the league paired with the cream of the female crop, looking for cash and glory.

The undefeated powerhouse of Division A play, United Rollerchairball Club, provided the pre-tournament favorites. Despite separating for the mixed play, most analysts predicted Brandon Lock and Kyle Stout would produce the best teams for the tourney. Stout teamed with tour veteran, Mackenzie Eckert, to form Frog Prince. Although Brandon Lock is one of the best rollerchairball players in the history of the sport, some analysts worried about his ability to make a deep run in the Mixed Doubles tourney due to the fact that he decided to play with a rookie, Brianna Stout. Due to this inexperience, some pegged the duo of Andrew Wood and Taylor Greene to reach the finals. Wood and Greene are both ranked in the top five and have chemistry with each other. Lock and Brianna Stout, sister to Kyle, would have to overcome both teams if their team, Steve, wanted to taste victory.

Things looked daunting at first for Steve, as Frog Prince and The Lost, Wood and Greene’s team, met in the Winners Bracket Finals. In fact, things looked bleak for both members of United RC, as The Lost overcame the kickoff stagger to take the lead in the Winners Final. Though The Lost could never separate from Frog Prince, they did manage to keep scoring. The game went back and forth until Frog Prince tied the game at 17.5. Needing a stop, Frog Prince applied extensive pressure to The Lost. Wood and Greene attempted to keep the ball moving on their final possession, hoping the defense of Stout or Eckert might falter. Instead, The Lost bungled a pass, leaving the ball on the ground. A frantic melee ensued, with Eckert finally snatching the ball. Frog Prince found themselves on a 2v1 fast break, as The Lost had extended themselves in hopes of recovering the fumble. Frog Prince scored, winning an amazing contest 20-17.5 and moving to the Championship Match.

With the high level of play put forth by The Lost in the Winners Finals, Steve had to feel the pressure. They would need to defeat The Lost and then overcome Frog Prince. The task would be daunting, especially with a rookie. Lock, however, rose to the challenge. With calculating play and a surprisingly steady performance from Brianna Stout, Steve managed to defeat The Lost 20-17.5. That victory set a date with Frog Prince in the Finals.

Like the Winners Finals, Frog Prince nabbed the ball on the opening play. Unlike the Winners Finals, Kyle Stout and Eckert would not give the stagger back. Offense dominated the game, as both teams scored on every possession. With the stagger in hand, Frog Prince edged Steve 20-17.5 and took the first Mixed Doubles title in NLR history.

The match was doubly historic. Along with the first Mixed Doubles title, the match also featured siblings playing against each other in a tourney final for the first time. With the title, Frog Prince jump to the front of the Mixed Doubles standings. With such even play amongst the top three teams, however, nothing is in the bag.



Posted on July 3rd, 2007 by kyle and filed under Coverage, Tourneys |