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- Happy Meal Toys to Feature Rollerchairball Legends (4)
- Rollerchairball TV Has Arrived (4)
- Andrew Wood Interview 5-22-07 (3)
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- Rollerchairball Commercial (3)
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RSS2008 US Open Results
Division A
1st - United Rollerchairball Club - $1000
2nd - Buddy Savage - $250
3rd - IDK Sisterhood - $100
4th - Team USA - $80
5th - Team Amanda Bynes - $50
6th - Princeton English - $20
High School Division (U-19)
1st - Princeton English - $100
2nd - Mean Greene - $60
3rd - Kwok Kwok Noon - $40
Ratings Update 07-15-08
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through July 15, 2008. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
Commercial Outtakes/Bloopers
Being a video shoot, the commercial featuring Andrew Wood of course produced a few nice outtakes and funny bloopers. Check them out.
Rollerchairball Commercial
Check out the Rollerchairball commercial we whipped up featuring league legend Andrew Wood:
Ratings Update 07-01-08
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through July 1, 2008. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
Thug Doubt vs Mediogres 5-27-08
Mediogres (Brick, David) took the court for their first match against the veteran team of Thug Doubt (Brianna Stout, Jon Olsavsky). Their athleticism and quick learning kept Mediogres in the game early, but could they go the distance against the more experienced players?
United RC vs Mediogres 5-27-08
United Rollerchairball Club (Brandon Lock, Kyle Stout) put their undefeated record on the line against Mediogres (Brick, David) on May 27th, 2008. Mediogres traveled from New York to challenge the top-rated team in the history of the National League of Rollerchairball.
NLR’s High School Writing Contest Winners
>??????National League of Rollerchairball and Rollerchairball Quarterly Magazine recently sponsored a writing contest for High School students. The winners from each class at Licking Valley High School received publication on rollerchairball.org alongside other content from RQ.
Stout Jumps Grand Canyon in Chair
by Merdley Girston
The National League of Rollerchairball’s top-rated player, Kyle Stout, recently achieved a feat that even Evel Knievel could not. Last Saturday, in front of a crowd of a couple people and on national television, Stout ramped 10 miles across the Grand Canyon in his chair.
NLR to Host May Tourney in Newark, OH
The National League of Rollerchairball recently announced a tournament in Newark, Ohio, to be held on May 17, 2008. The event will be held at Newark High School and will tentatively begin at 1 PM EST.
NLR Sponsors High School Writing Contest
Rollerchairball superstars are often highly successful in more than one career. One such player is sixth-rated Brianna Stout, who spends her daytime hours teaching English to high school students in Ohio. To promote literacy and rollerchairball, Stout has teamed with the National League of Rollerchairball to sponsor a writing contest in her classes.
Ratings Update 05-06-08
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through May 6, 2008. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
Lock Dresses Up as Kobe Bryant, Jumps Aston Martin
Founding Father and National League of Rollerchairball legend Brandon Lock recently donned a full-body Kobe Bryant costume and showed off his jumping skills by leaping over a speeding Aston Martin.
Ratings Update 4-22-08
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through April 22, 2008. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
Wood Would TV Win 2007 St. Nick Classic
Wood Would TV (Kyle Stout, Becky Tatz) won the delayed 2007 Saint Nicholas Classic Division A title last week. The tourney, originally started in December, was postponed due to electrical issues in the venue. The event ended four months late when WWTV defeated Light, Heavy Expert (Maggie Cellar, Doug Tatz) in the finals 30-25.
Ratings Update 4-15-08
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through April 15, 2008. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
Eckert War I - Est. 1983 vs. Pomegranate - 12-29-07
Est. 1983 (Greg Eckert, Margie Eckert) took on Pomegranate (Mackenzie Eckert, Mary Eckert) during an exhibition match at the 2007 Saint Nicholas Classic. The historic game was the firstmatch to feature four players from the same family.
Eckert War I - 11-29-07
Ratings Update 3-18-08
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through March 18, 2008. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
Ratings Update 3-11-08
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through March 11, 2008. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
Derek’s Infallibility Seriously Questioned
The powers that be championed Derek as a weather prognosticator of pristine power. No mere weather man, Derek was closer to meteorological prophet than 10 o’clock snow man. So they said. Recently Derek’s infallibility has come under intense scrutiny, however, as he predicted a snow day for central Ohio schools last week.
NLR Press Poll 02-19-08
The National League of Rollerchairball Press released their latest poll on February 19th. A resuscitation of an old tradition, the rankings aim to provide a more “human” take on rating rollerchairball players.
Ratings Update 02-19-08
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through February 19, 2008. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
Ratings Update 02-05-08
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through February 5, 2008. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
Traces of Wood Found in Ancient Meteorite
In a bizarre, but not completely surprising, development, traces of Andrew Wood were found in a meteorite which has been radiometricly age dated at over 6 billion years old. This discovery is stunning mostly due to the fact that the Earth itself is believed to be 4.5 billion years old.
Ratings Update 01-29-08
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through January 29, 2008. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
NLR Unveils Super Elite Premier League
The National League of Rollerchairball rolled out the latest wrinkle in its evolving structure on Tuesday, as Director of Operations and Commissioner Kyle Stout announced the Super Elite Premier League. The league aims to be the most comprehensive competition of its kind ever created for any sport.
Ratings Update 01-22-08
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through January 22, 2008. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
NLR Press Poll 01-22-08
The National League of Rollerchairball Press released their latest poll on January 22nd. A resuscitation of an old tradition, the rankings aim to provide a more “human” take on rating rollerchairball players.
Ratings Update 01-15-08
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through January 15, 2008. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
NLR Press Poll 01-08-08
The first National League of Rollerchairball Press Poll for 2008 was released on January 8th. A resuscitation of an old tradition, the rankings aim to provide a more “human” take on rating rollerchairball players.
Ratings Update 01-08-08
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through January 8, 2008. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
Ratings Update 12-29-07
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through December 29, 2007. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
St. Nick Division A Bracket Delayed
The Division A portion of the National League of Rollerchairball’s 2007 Saint Nicholas Classic was delayed due to a freak electricity outage. Following the completion of High School Division- and Mixed Doubles-play, the juice to the league’s facilities mysteriously ebbed, leaving the courts in darkness. League officials attempted everything in their power to resume play, but a solution was not at hand.
Frog Prince Take 2007 St. Nick Mixed Doubles Championship
Frog Prince, Mackenzie Eckert and Kyle Stout, outlasted The Lost to win the Mixed Doubles title during the National League of Rollerchairball’s 2007 Saint Nicholas Classic. Eckert and Stout stormed to the finals without losing a game, but had to dig deep in the championship match, as The Lost - Andrew Wood and Taylor Greene - took game one of the double-elimination tournament’s last pairing.
Dumbledore Lives Win 2007 St. Nick High School Division
Dumbledore Lives, consisting of Douglas Tatz and Craig Eckert, nabbed the 2007 Saint Nicholas Classic High School Division title. Tatz and Eckert defeated Taylor Greene and Becky Tatz, aka The Pastels, 26-12.5 in the finals.
NLR Press Poll 12-11-07
The second National League of Rollerchairball Press Poll for 2007 was released on December 11, 2007. A resuscitation of an old tradition, the rankings aim to provide a more “human” take on rating rollerchairball players.
Ratings Update 12-11-07
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through December 4, 2007. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
2007 St. Nick Details
The 2007 Saint Nicholas Classic is right around the corner. The tournament will feature the world’s best players duking it on in a Rollerchairball tradition. Below are the details for the event:
Ødegaard Mortgages White House
In a move which can only be described as shocking, National League of Rollerchairball trillionaire Anja Ødegaard purchased the White House from the United States government last week. Before the shockwaves of the transaction even registered throughout the world, Ødegaard went one step farther by mortgaging the property to a development group from Scotland. Some say she took one step too many.
12-04-2007 Ratings Update
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through December 4, 2007. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
2007 Saint Nick Classic Scheduled
Each year in December the National League of Rollerchairball holds an event called the Saint Nicholas Classic. This tradition reaches into the infancy of the sport, all the way to 1998. This year’s St. Nick Classic will occur on December 29 in Worthington, Ohio.
11-27-2007 Ratings Update
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through November 27, 2007. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
Take the NLR Ohio Geography Challenge
The National League of Rollerchairball is based in Ohio. Think you know a lot about the geography of that great state? Take the NLR Ohio Geography Challenge and find out just how much you know.
NLR Press Poll 11-27-07
The first National League of Rollerchairball Press Poll for 2007 was released on November 27, 2007. A resuscitation of an old tradition, the rankings aim to provide a more “human” take on rating rollerchairball players.
Tatz Bakes His Way Into Billions
Doug Tatz is finally realizing a life-long dream: waking up everyday at 4am to bake cakes.
“I’ve always loved to wake up early,” remarked Tatz while shooting clay pigeons in Los Alamos, “and I’ve always loved to bake cakes. And one day I just realized that the two fit.”
11-20-2007 Ratings Update
The National League of Rollerchairball posted a ratings update that covers matches through November 20, 2007. The Top 15 players are noted on the home page at all times, but a full list of rated players can be found here.
Suzanne Goes Greene
Like most ladies playing Rollerchairball today, Suzanne Hirsel has elected to go under the tutelage of one of the leagues most controversial masters - Taylor Greene.
“To say I’ve made a mistake would be a mistake,” said Suzanne via satellite from her 5-million-dollar-a-month condo atop the Empire State Building. “In fact, saying I’ve decided to dedicate my Rollerchairball life to Taylor Greene would be correct to say it is correct. I don’t want to sound confusing, but it would be confusing not to say I was studying under Taylor Greene, since to not do so would be confusing.”
NLR Unleashes Member Benefits Point System
The National League of Rollerchairball proudly announces the Member Benefits Point System. The system will reward the most dedicated players and patrons of the league, by granting them points for playing, participating, and donating. For details please point your browser here.
Estrogen War I - Menopause vs Puberty Match Video - 11-06-07
Dubbed “Estrogen War I” by the combatants, this cat fight takes the all-female action to another level. Check out Menopause (Brianna Stout and Mackenzie Eckert) as they tussle with Puberty (Maggie Cellar and Anja).
The Z Family vs. The Apocalypse 10-31-07
The Featured Video of the Week #1 comes from four of the hottest young stars in the National League or Rollerchairball. Check out The Z Family (Zach Brown and Jason Long) duke it out with The Apocalypse (Graham Madler and Alec Kettler). If you catch any costumes in the footage, it was the Halloween edition of the NLR’s weekly action.
2007 Halloween Contest Results
The National League of Rollerchairball’s 2007 Halloween Contest drew out the ghouls, the athletes, and even the omelets. With $50 on the line for first place, the middle-school and high-school division were out en force in hopes of lining their pockets.
Read more.
Greene Becomes Newest Lucky Charms Color
General Mills shocked the breakfast world recently with the announcement that Lucky Charms will add another marbit to its repertoire. The Rollerchairball world rejoiced when they learned the new marshmallow bit comes thanks to Taylor Greene, National League or Rollerchairball superstar and leprechaun aficionado.
Rollerchairball Replaces Quantum Mechanics as 20th Century’s Biggest Breakthrough
“I decided to go back and take a look at the century again,” said Hozen Bogerdozen during a press conference, just after finishing his 15th Rollerchairball game in a single night. “This game,” he went on, through his interpreter, “like the sun, has changed the way I see the world.”
Sweating Life with George Doyle
In poker, when a master allows someone to watch him play, in order to gain a better understanding of the game, he is allowing that person to “sweat” his cards. Last week, this reporter had the invaluable opportunity to sweat life with one of the league’s most enigmatic players, George Doyle. The lessons learned during my day with Doyle will last a lifetime.
Rollerchairball Courts Named National Parks
In a stunning move, President George W. Bush today named all Rollerchairball courts National Parks, National Preserves, National Historical Parks, National Historic Sites, National Battlefield Parks, National Military Parks, National Battlefields, National Battlefield Sites, National Memorials, National Recreational Areas, National Reserves, National Historic and Scenic Trails, Historic Shrines and, bafflingly, National Seashores, National Lakeshores, and National Rivers. The christening marks the first time any piece of real estate has been dubbed all 16 types of protected land.
NLR Unveils Ratings System
The National League of Rollerchairball recently adopted a modified ELO ratings system for its players. The ELO system is often referred to as the “chess ratings system” and offers one of the most accurate methods of measuring skill. The NLR modified the classic ELO system to suit the unique nature of Rollerchairball.
United RC Top Summer Series
Brandon Lock and Kyle Stout, the duo behind the powerhouse squad, United Rollerchairball Club, finished the 2007 National League of Rollerchairball Summer Series on top of the leader board. Lock and Stout teamed for each event during the summer circuit, finishing with the gold medal at every tourney. Both players finished the summer-long points standings with 4800 points.
Ambassador Open to Talks with Red Star
“I think it’s about time,” said Doug Tatz, The Ambassador of All Things Tasty. “We haven’t seen Mike Barone for months. In fact, I’m pretty sure we’ve haven’t seen him for years. It’s just so difficult to tell when you’re dealing with such a master of illusion as himself.”
NLR Creates Licking Valley Division
The National League of Rollerchairball held an exhibition in Newark, OH, last weekend and, based on the talent flowing from Licking Valley, has added another division to its roster. New players from Licking Valley took to the game easily and displayed raw, natural talent.
2007 Halloween Contest
The National League of Rollerchairball proudly announces the 2007 Halloween Contest. On October 30, 2007, the middle school or high school player who attends the weekly rollerchairball night at St. Michael’s in Worthington, Ohio, with the best costume will win $50.
RCB Cruise Line Set to Launch
Rollerchairball has announced another venture in its trillion dollar a day business: cruises.
“I don’t know what you’re used to,” mused Doug Tatz, while taking a break from changing the oil on his snowmobile, “but unless I’m on a boat as big as Rhode Island and unless I’m being offered giant nacho hats with a brim that actually holds in the cheese without it making the hat all mushy, then I’m probably not going to be happy. Luckily, the Rollerchairball Cruise Line offers all that and more.”
Rollerchairball Cruise Line is offering anywhere from week-long to month-long trips and even decade-long trips.
“A decade may seem like a long time,” said Brandon Lock, while walking through his manicured gardens in Tijuana, “but when you think of the price, 148 billion dollars, then you really realize why it’s worth staying on the boat those whole ten years. When you’re paying that much, you need to get your money’s worth, especially when you’ve had to give up your career to go on the trip.”
When asked if he would ever go on a trip that long, Mr. Lock didn’t reply, but offered this reporter a pen advertising Gill’s So-So Lobster Shanty.
“Mr. Lock insists you go there,” said one of the 30 bodyguards surrounding Mr. Lock and this reporter. “It’s like you’re questions–mediocre.”
The bodyguards then scurried Mr. Lock off through a secret doorway in a tree which seemed, to this reporter, to have loud disco music blaring from inside.
Rollerchairball Star Becomes Weatherman
Rollerchairball star Craig Eckert recently became a weatherman for a radio station in the Columbus, Ohio, area. You can check out Craig predicting sun, rain, sleet, or hail on St. Gabriel Radio. In the Columbus vicinity, tune your dials to 89.5 FM or 1270 AM. You can also listen live on the internet by pointing your browser here. Craig’s forecasts air every Thursday, so be sure to check them out!
Red Star Connected to Rat Head
by Splendid Steve
Upon preparing a nourishing meal, a Nevada woman recently discovered a rat’s head in a can of green beans. The woman bought the Allen Canning product at Walmart. Allen Canning offered $100 in restitution - a “gesture of goodwill” - to the woman, as spokesman James Phillips said, “There’s no way that product could have hurt her. This rodent was rendered commercially sterile. We cook each can individually at a temperature up to 265 degrees.”
The woman turned down the offer.
Upon investigating Allen Canning, Rollerchairball Quarterly unearthed a connection between the company and Rollerchairball mainstay, Red Star Wheels and Chairs. Chairman and CEO of Red Star, Mike Barone, holds a 0.01% share in Allen Canning.
When reached for comment on the incident, Barone noted, “I have not heard all the details of the event here in prison, but I’ve been assured we won’t lose too many pesos to any potential backlash.”
When asked why Red Star owns a share of the food company, Barone replied, “Diversification is always a goal of Red Star Wheels and Chairs. We were the first Rollerchairball company to get into Super Soakers and look how that turned out.”
Barone’s nonchalant attitude toward the mix up perplexed this reporter, since Rollerchairball players around the world demand rodent-free cuisine. Still, despite steel bars and old age, the once-titan of wheels and chairs added a gem of wisdom: “I wouldn’t be worried about the rat’s head; I wonder who got the body.”
Andrew Wood Project vs. Italians - OSU Onslaught Losers Semis
Check out the video of this amazing match between second-seeded The Andrew Wood Project and fourth-seeded The Italians from the Losers Bracket Semifinals of the Ohio State Onslaught. An even early match yielded to what looked like a rout by The Italians. In an astounding finish, The Andrew Wood Project mount a classic comeback, tying the game and sending it to a do-or-die third down. One of the greatest matches in RCB history!
RCB RSS Feed Now Available
The world clamored for a feed for rollerchairball.org. Vital resources from the league offices recently opened up. allowing us to bring you the Rollerchairball RSS. This feed will keep you updated with every article posted to rollerchairball.org. Bookmark it, add it to your syndication list, do whatever you need to do, because this feed is the most important on the internet.
Unrelatedly, Andrew Wood is currently stalking Harrison Ford.
Wood Tickles the Ivories
Rollerchairball legend, Andrew Wood, recently broke his code of dodging paparazzi as he was caught tickling the ivories in Milan last week. Strangely, the room in which Wood performed contained no piano.
When asked what exactly he was doing, Wood remarked, “The word paparazzi originated from Fellini’s classic, La Dolce Vita, in which a photographer is named for a dialectical word for a particularly noisy mosquito.” When a reporter pulled out his iPhone and did a quick fact check, he queried Wood, “Did you steal that definition from Wikipedia?”
Before the question was complete, the room of photographers was astonished to find they snapped pictures of an empty bench, as Wood had disappeared. At the time, it was not certain whether Wood’s performance was a clever ruse devised by the reclusive legend to stump paparazzi or if he is actually, indeed, the star of the new television show, Journeyman.
A cryptic letter from Wood to the New York Times states that he is wintering in his vacation home in the Bahamas, waiting for magazine subscriptions he was promised to arrive. He also added that he is not a member of the cast of Journeyman, but left the door open for Quantum Leap. Wood seemed unaware that it is not winter.
Rumors now swirl that we will not see Wood again until at least the spring-time, when he is notorious for searching the Ozarks for the ivory-billed woodpecker.
Rollerchairball TV Has Arrived
Last night, at 7pm EST, Rollerchairball went on the air, live.
“We’re thrilled,” said Kyle Stout from his yacht, just off the coast of Massachusetts. “We were a little worried about sponsors, at first, since Tatz had alienated so many of our previous sponsors by refusing to mention their names anymore at press conferences. But it worked out. White Castle and RC Cola were there for us, just like they’re there for all of you.”
The channel will feature live, on-the-spot coverage of all the latest games, from exhibition, to tournament, to 2v1s, and, of course, in-depth analysis.
“Since there’s games going on all over the world,” said Mackenzie Eckert, from her cell phone at an undisclosed KFC, “we are able to keep the channel exciting round the clock. There’s no period at night where we’re off the air. And if there isn’t a game to be shown in the middle of the night, then I’ll call and wake people up and make them play, or else.”
Many players are expecting to have their own show in the future. Taylor Greene had this to say: “I haven’t cleared this yet with the Founding Fathers plus Mike, but I hope to have a Magic Hour. And if not, then I’ll ask for a Magic Half-Hour. I’m willing to compromise. I mean, really, there’s only so many thumb tricks I can do before the kids turn on me.”
Rollerchairball TV is available through your local cable provider for $3 billion a month.
Rollerchairball Tournament Scheduled for Antarctica
Rollerchairball is taking its groundbreaking game to the unbreakable ice courts of Antarctica.
“I’m ready,” said Taylor Greene. “I knew there was a reason I bought one of those huge heaters that football players use on the sidelines.”
And Ms. Greene is not the only player excited about the recently-dubbed “Rollerchairball on Ice.” Doug Tatz spoke to us via instant messenger from his training center.
“I love the idea. It’s just too warm for me here in Newfoundland.”
But will there be any reservations about the possible problem of controlling one’s chair along the ice?
“Not especially,” says Mackenzie Eckert. “We’ve decided to wear ice skates instead of shoes. And if we happen to get a heavy snow, we’ll just put those giant tennis racket things on our feet.”
All players will be required to wear sunglasses during the tournament and are prohibited from saying “brrrrrr.”
Rollerchairball.org Forums Created!
Forums for the National League of Rollerchairball were created and added to rollerchairball.org. Now you have the ability to discuss the world’s greatest sport with other enlightened people. Talk smack or talk strategy, it’s all up to you. Point your browser here to head to the forums. Get the conversation started!
Rollerchairball Endorses Flat-Tax
No matter who you ask in the Rollerchairball world, the answer is always the same: “Yes, there should be a flat-tax,” and, “No, I don’t want to go get some pasta.”
So many of the high-paid rollers are sick and tired of dishing out big dollars to high-flying attorneys and accountants to try and figure out how to maneuver around the tax laws.
“I don’t even know why I bother having someone do my taxes anymore,” sighed Doug Tatz, who currently pays $3.2 billion a quarter in taxes. “I honestly think I’d save more by just paying penalties than actually paying all these people to do the math for me. Besides, I’ve always enjoyed the word ‘guesstimate’.”
Taylor Greene agrees: “Right now, with my tax bracket, I’m actually paying about 93% of my income to the IRS. At least, I think that’s where it’s going. The envelopes they give me all have the Block Mansion as the return address.”
When asked whether either player would maybe like a sip of my wheat-grass smoothie, both responded, “Yeah, sure,” and then drove away.
A Typical Training Day for a Rollerchairball Player
4:00am–Wake up, drink glass of raw eggs, brush teeth
4:15am–continue brushing teeth intensely because of the raw eggs
4:30am–run ten miles
4:35am–catch breath
9:30am–oil chair, Febreeze pads
9:45am–take shower
12:30pm–head to Block Mansion Recreation Area (BMRA), do 100 laps in pool while in chair
12:40pm–dry-off
12:41pm–have a note sent to Mr. Lock thanking him for the use of his facilities, and that he is really too gracious (this is a great way to be invited to his next party)
12:42pm–adjourn to Courtyard to meditation on how to improve play
4:00pm–send another note to Mr. Lock informing him that to improve your play, you’ll need another million–and that’s million with a “b”
4:01pm–take nap before dinner in one of the thousands of hammocks located on the Block Mansion grounds
4:25pm–awaken to the butler saying that Mr. Lock has revoked your dinner invitation
4:27pm–sneak into guest house, eat leftovers. brush teeth.
5:00pm–roll home (this is a slow exercise meant to aid digestion)
6:00pm–arrive home, store chair in its garage (a true Rollerchairball player has three garages, one for his chair, one for his car, and one for his zeppelin)
6:05pm–begin push-ups
9:30pm–begin sit-ups
2:30am–head to White Castle for Crave Case. brush teeth at White Castle.
3:00am–return home, call friends telling them you just ate an entire Crave Case. Brush teeth at home.
3:45am–sleep
Happy Meal Toys to Feature Rollerchairball Legends
McDonald’s announced this morning its plans to offer figurines of Rollerchairball legends in each Happy Meal.
“We figured it was time,” said Lisa Moore-Mayo, head of marketing for McDonald’s. “All the kids these days have traded in their video games for chairs, and they just roll around the streets and sidewalks saying, ‘Check out this sweet move–I’m Brandon Lock,’ or ‘Watch me get around this oncoming pedestrian like Kyle Stout.’ Rollerchairball is in the cultural bloodstream.”
Brandon Lock, head of Block International, is thrilled at the idea. “I always knew McDonald’s would get on board. They’re smart people. I wouldn’t be eating a Big Mac a day if I didn’t think so.”
When asked what action-poses each figurine would be in, Mr. Lock replied, “It depends on the individual’s strengths. We’re still working on the exact poses. Whatever happens, we know that we will always look good, otherwise we’re taking our business to White Castle.”
Rollerchairball Terminology Currently Thrown Around Workplace
This reporter receives lots of emails from fans of Rollerchairball all over the world. Here are just a few about how the sport has influenced the work lives of these fans.
1) Bob in accounting always gets the numbers right at the end of each quarter. Without that, our company just wouldn’t start each new quarter wheeling the line.
2) I’ve now been fired twice for filling the watercooler jugs with sand. Apparently, this action is out of bounds.
3) Where I work, there is no set schedule, just as long as everyone completes 40 hours at the end of the week. Like tomorrow, I’ll probably be playing at will around 11:30, and getting downed at around 8:45.
4) Lewis in finance spider-climbed his way into the front office by marrying the boss’ daughter.
5) One time I sat down in what I thought was my office and began doing paperwork. When Lisa came in to tell me to get out of her chair, I knew I was offside.
6) This morning my boss overheard me firing Jenkins, when, in actuality, he had asked me to fire Hankins. I had to go on a six month suspension for that safety.
7) Once a week, I have to give a power-point presentation at the press conference.
8) Each morning, before starting work, we all flip for offices.
9) I do the supply orders at work. The company who makes our supplies has been late on our orders twice in the past month. One more cheeking, and we get an order free of charge.
Items Currently Sporting a Rollerchairball Logo
1) Mugs
2) Pencils
3) Stamps
4) Mud-flaps
5) Couch cushions
6) Hats
7) T-Shirts
8) Bars of Soap
9) Stationery
10) Jones Soda
Ways Rollerchairball Has Helped This Reporter
1) I no longer am afraid of sitting in a chair.
2) I had no idea how professional I looked in a helmet.
3) I now have enough money to blow it all in a day, rather than in 15 minutes.
4) I now am officially recognized as a “house member” in the Block mansion, where before I was just thought of as the trespasser who spelled words in the grass with gasoline.
5) Doug will, I guess, take me as a teammate, where before he would just pay me not to show up.
6) I get to have a cameo in Craig “Three Fingers” Eckert’s upcoming blockbuster movie.
7) I always suspected that leaving a chair was a penalty.
8) I have now been on seven yachts–all Mr. Lock’s, and each one different depending on the day of the week.
9) I now know where Worthington is.
10) I am the only reporter in the world who doesn’t have to get up before daylight.
Rollerchairball Better Than Football, Survey Says
As of this morning, 97% of surveys sent out to millions of Americans were returned. And the results were not surprising.
“What we see is an overall shift in the sports paradigm of our country,” said Brandon Lock in a phone interview from his ranch in Dillon, Montana. “People are tired of the steroids, the astroturf, and the strange giant fork you have to kick a ball through.”
Although not all surveys have been fully analyzed due to the sometimes lengthy essays provided by some, the message is clear–the people want Rollerchairball.
“I’ve been glancing over a lot of the essays,” said Kyle Stout from a text-message interview from an undisclosed Japanese steakhouse, “and what I’m seeing is a disgust with what typical American sports are giving us. People want honesty, integrity, and taunting of the proper kind, not rough language and the occasional pile-on.”
When asked what sample of the population was given the survey, Mr. Stout replied, “The right sample.”
Coppertone Named Official Sunblock of Rollerchairball
The sun brought the heat at yesterday’s Rollerchairball tournament in Zane-Vegas.
“We had to do something,” said Brandon Lock, head of Block International and sun enthusiast. “I mean, I gotta have my rays, but people gotta be safe, too.”
When Coppertone got the call from Mr. Lock, they were stunned. “How many opportunities does a company get to sponsor a world-renowned sport such as Rollerchairball? Not very many, let me tell you.”
Rumors are that Coppertone will produce a “gargantuan strength” sunblock made especially for the players of Rollerchairball.
“I’ve heard things about an SPF487, although that sounds pretty conservative to me,” said Kyle Stout, who is currently out of the country filming a documentary on the world’s little known, second-tallest mountain, Mt. Evermost. “It’ll be like wearing a rubber suit, except for the discomfort part.”
No word yet on what the cost of each bottle of “The Block” will be, as it is rumored to be called, although estimates are in the thousands.
Inferno Update - Zanesville Tourney Details
The fourth stop of the NLR’s summer series, The Inferno, will happen this weekend in Zanesville. The date of the tourney has been moved to the alternative date listed on the Summer Series schedule, Saturday July 28. The new location for the event is Zanesville High School at the tennis courts. The rest of the details for the tournament are unchanged; please see the event page for all the specifics on The Inferno.
Why People Should Come To The Next Tournament
1) Mr. Lock is rumored to appear.
2) Mr. Stout will playing his first tournament after attaining Rollerchairball nirvana with the 4 v. 1 victory.
3) I will be using my infamous “one-wheel” chair.
4) What happens in Zanes-Vegas stays in Zanes-Vegas.
5) You will be a victor of some sort, even if it’s only for “raising the roof.”
6) You will probably make the cover of Sports Illustrated.
7) Nacho-hats will only be a dollar this time.
8] In Rollerchairball, “millions” is spelled with a “b”.
9) Helicopters will take us all home.
10) Home will be, from then on, Mr. Lock’s estate.
When You Know You Have a Rollerchairball Problem
1) Before starting anything, like your car, you say “Wheel the line.”
2) Every time someones get out of a chair, you accuse them of cheeking.
3) You insist that after every game you play, even one of checkers, there be a press conference.
4) Every time you do something good, such as holding a door for someone, you say “mark it.”
5) There is a painting of Mr. Lock in your house.
6) Every time you break the law, such as running a stop sign, you consider it a “loss of down.” After three downs, you just get out of the car and walk home.
7) No one could figure out why you were screaming out during the Spiderman movies, “Half the distance!”
8] You allow me, from time to time, to sleep in your trunk.
9) You’re convinced that Mr. Stout and Mr. Lock use performance-enhancing supplements.
10) You’ve read to the end of this list.
RC Cola Named Official Soft Drink of Rollerchairball
Early this morning, at 5:27am ET, Brandon Lock, head of Block International, signed an official deal with RC Cola naming it the only soft drink endorsed by Rollerchairball.
“I’m thrilled,” said Lock, speaking through an interpreter, since he now insists on only communicating through facial expressions. “I mean, it’s Roller Chair Cola, how much more portentous can it get? I love the taste, I love the colors, and I know the players will, too.”
When asked what else swayed him into the deal, Mr. Lock replied, “The caffeine. I have to caffeinate.”
Another Block official present at the signing, Kyle Stout, had this to say: “In the past we’d been together with Coke, but ever since the assassination attempt on Mr. Lock’s life, Coke has not been the beverage of choice. Watching Mr. Lock make his mark with his ostrich-feather pen was the dawning of a new day for Rollerchairball.”
When asked whether that might be because the sun would be rising soon, Mr. Stout replied, “Maybe.”
No word yet from league physicians on whether RC Cola is the best choice for re-hydration during a game, as Mr. Lock is still formulating their opinions.
Why Rollerchairball is like the Indiana Jones Movies
–Both were founded by awesome dudes
–Both feature lovely leading ladies
–Both have great chase scenes
–Both deal with obtaining the supernatural, i.e. the Holy Grail, beating United RC
–Both take place in the 1930s and yet can sometimes be from the 50s
–Both have great composers, i.e. John Williams, Craig Eckert
–Both are funded by Block
–Both make millions (and that’s millions with a “b”)
–Bboth feature someone who played James Bond, i.e. Sean Connery, Kyle Stout
–Both are filmed in multiple locations
–Both feature subs
–Both have websites dedicated to them
–Both are never rated R
–Both are heavily against cheeking (remember the scene in the Last Crusade when Indy and his Dad are tied to the chairs?)
–Both have millions of fans from around the world
–Both feature cameos by Mike Barone
Willis Ends Retirement!
At one time, just saying the name Chad Willis to a league player would be a guarantee to elicit one of two reactions. People either loved or hated the man; virtually everyone feared him. On the field, he was known as “the Dennis Rodman of the league,” thanks to his bad-boy antics and rough playing style. Off the field, Willis was the head of security for Block International, and reportedly settled disputes with mafia-style tactics. His abrupt disappearance from the game shocked and confused most fans.
“It was a matter of fear in those days,” league veteran Dave Vermillion offers on Willis, “you knew it was serious if Chad was involved. He was the muscle behind the well-oiled Block machine, but it seemed as if he just sort of vanished one day.”
By the year 2000, several league infractions, a connection to an assassination attempt, and a stint in prison all seemed to be signs that Willis was about to implode. It seemed his cavalier lifestyle and Las Vegas sweet tooth had gotten the best of him. However, Willis was about to pull yet another rabbit out of his hat. Earning his keep and staying under the radar at first, the bad-boy of the league gained an ownership role in Chaos Athletic, signed several endorsement deals, and quietly expanded his political influence. These movements earned him a spot on Rollerchairball Quaterly Magazine’s Men of the Year list. Toward the end of 2001, it seemed everything Willis had a hand in turned to gold.
Yet by October, the shine seemed to be wearing off of Willis’ glittery lifestyle and, without notice, he virtually evaporated. Over five years passed with no word on his existence and most league enthusiasts could only cling to a few scattered reports of Willis sightings. Adam Bentz, a long-time Block player and league MVP puts it in perspective:
“[Willis] was the guy that struck fear into most people. He was crazy and unpredictable, so you can imagine how uncomfortable some people had to be knowing he’s out there somewhere.”
Although his disappearance was often overshadowed by a host of other big name retirements between 2000 and 2002, Willis’ departure still shook the foundation of the game. After the dust had settled and the confusion was forgotten, years passed without as much as a peep from Willis. By 2005, most league players did not even know his name. So it came as a big shock to veterans and rookies alike when the once wild-man showed up to play in the Zanes-Vegas tournament.
Although remaining tight lipped on his living situation, Willis appeared more jovial and quite reserved by comparison to his former self. He talked with players, signed autographs, and played several tame matches. Some say the taste of the more-reserved Willis is a small glimpse into a more relaxed lifestyle. Unnamed sources state that Willis has spent much of his time off playing a more administrative role in Block International, ridding his life of bad influences and quietly maturing. Others claim that the once-ruffian has been living abroad, specifically in Monaco, in an effort to escape his enemies. They say Willis did not return to showcase a more-welcoming personality, but because he was running out of money and wanted a shot at the tournament’s grand prize. The player took just a second to answer questions after he and his teammate, Jake Fletcher, lost a close bout.
“I’ve been around, but I’ve been really busy. It was good to get back into it.” He said. “My private life should stay private for now, because I’m not really at liberty to discuss a lot of things in public. I got invited here to play by league officials, was paired with a great teammate, and ended up having a great time. I’m sure I’ll be back again.”
With that, Willis joined the Block entourage as it left the venue, raising only more questions and sparking even more curiosity. Hopefully, the league and its fans will get more pieces to the Willis puzzle soon. Until then, it is well worth celebrating the return of a controversial legend of the game.
United RC vs. The Italaians Winners Semis OSU Onslaught
United Rollerchairball Club (Brandon Lock, Kyle Stout) clash with The Italians (JR Brewer, Mike Ford) at the Ohio State Onslaught on June 30, 2007. This match was in the Winners Bracket Semifinals.
The Dismemberment Plan vs. The Lost 5-22-07
The Dismemberment Plan (Kyle Stout, Debi Schuda) played The Lost (Andrew Wood, Taylor Greene) on May 22, 2007.
Barone Says No to Red Star, Yes to Burmese Jungle
Life in the Burmese Jungle has taught Mike Barone one thing: if you have to do business, make sure it’s in a place with poisonous snakes.
“Being bitten thirty-seven times in four days will change a man,” said Mike Barone in a text-message interview from an undisclosed hospital, “especially in his attitude towards latex boots.”
The man who found him, Brandon Lock, said he was really worried at first when he found Mr. Barone lying in the middle of the jungle, half-conscious.
“I’d just come to a clearing and was sitting on a fallen log wiping my brow, when I hear this faint voice off to my left, and it sounded like it was saying, “Red Star, why’d it have to be Red Star?” So I go over and there’s Barone lying on some sort of man-made leaf bed, eyes closed, shivering, and talking absolute brilliance about Red Star. I knew then that he was ready to go home.”
When asked if Barone was difficult to carry out of the jungle, Lock responded, “Not with my workout regimen.”
In the end, Mike Barone admits he learned something from his jungle experience: “Being in the jungle made me realize how much money I was wasting in not being with Block. Red Star was an illusion from the beginning, and I’m finally to a place now where I can admit that I use player money for trips to Sonic.”
When asked if he’d ever head back into the jungle, Barone responded, “In a snake-bite.”
Greene Named MVP of Ohio St. Onslaught
With three finishes in the Top 3 at the Ohio State Onslaught, Taylor Greene was named the tourneys Most Valuable Player. The award is given to the player most influential to his or her team’s success at the event.
In the High School Division, Greene piloted Luscious Jelly and Jam to a second-place finish with Craig Eckert. She and Andrew Wood ended up third in the Mixed Doubles tourney, losing by one score to both first-place Frog Prince and second-place Steve. In Division A, Greene and Mackenzie Eckert produced the NLR’s biggest upset ever by defeating the second-ranked Andrew Wood Project on their way to a third-place conclusion.
Greene displayed adept aggressiveness, as she powered past male defender after male defender. Her games sent a buzz around the courts, as she played mistake-free and really left defenses little in terms of remedy for her wrecking-ball runs.
With their upset and third-place trophy from the Division A tourney, Greene and Eckert both moved into the Top 5 in the NLR standings.
United RC Nab Div. A Win at OSU Onslaught
Before the Division A tourney at the Ohio State Onslaught, United Rollerchairball Club found themselves the target of a lot of trash talk and speculation. The Italians, fresh off a win in the High School Division, proclaimed themselves ready for the big stage by predicting victory against the undefeated United RC. The second-ranked Andrew Wood Project, though more humbly, also deemed themselves confident that this tourney would be the one where they would break through against United RC. Despite some interesting games, by the end of the tourney, Brandon Lock and Kyle Stout had silenced all players and pundits.
In the Winners Bracket Semifinals, The Italians got their first shot at the number-one-ranked squad. United RC jumped out to early leads of 5-0 and 7-2.5. At the half, the champions seemed comfortable. Perhaps that comfort led to complacency, as The Italians played efficient offense and managed a turnover against Brandon Lock. They converted the turnover into points, pulling to within one score. United RC stymied all thoughts of a comeback, however, and managed to close out the game with scores on their final three possessions, winning 20-15.
United RC figured the win set them up with a date with Kevin Shaw and Andrew Wood, aka The Andrew Wood Project, in the Winners Finals. That match would never happen, though, as Cinco de Marco, the all-woman team of Taylor Greene and Mackenzie Eckert, stunned AWP in the Winners Semifinals.
Though Greene and Eckert played well in the Winners Finals, they were unable to compete with United RC. Stout and Lock cruised to a relatively easy 20-10 victory, though both players noted the improvement of Cinco de Marco. URC then got to sit back and watch as The Italians, The Andrew Wood Project, and Cinco de Marco tore each other to shreds in the Losers Bracket.
Perhaps the match of the tournament occurred in the Losers Semifinals, as The Italians and The Andrew Wood Project tussled. AWP seemed stunned by their loss to Cinco de Marco and began the match flat. The Italians came out of the gate hard, dominating the first half to the tune of 10-5. The start of the second half featured similar results, as The Italians pushed their lead to 17.5-12.5. AWP could not seem to find a solution to the flowing offense of The Italians. Wood and Shaw scored to make it a one-possession game, but more importantly they caught a break as JR Brewer was called for his third cheeking on the play. The result was a power play for AWP, who easily scored on the 2v1 to tie the game. Still, The Italians just needed a score to win. The momentum, however, was clearly with AWP. The 2v1 had enervated their defense and on game point they pinned The Italians deep in their own territory on the kickoff. First down made matters worse for The Italians, as they were downed just outside their own end zone. Hoping just to avoid the safety, Brewer and Ford moved the ball out on a quick move, trading the down for space. That play left them in a make or break situation, though, and the AWP defense seemed to finally be in place. Fate would not allow the second-rated team to prevail, however, as Wood slipped out of his chair as he hustled to put pressure on The Italians in the backfield. With a de facto 2v1 in place, The Italians easily scored to win 20-17.5.
The Italians then met Cinco de Marco in the Losers Finals. Both teams had only lost to United RC, so both felt confident. Cinco de Marco dashed to a quick lead off the opening play, as Taylor Greene showed savvy trickery, not leaning over to pick up the ball, but instead kicking it forward. Both players for The Italians were reaching for the ball and as it was poked behind them they had no chance to stop Greene, who walked in the score. The crowd roared, as the ladies took an early step to becoming the first all-female team in a Championship Finals Match. Cinco de Marco held the stagger for most of the first half, before making one mistake that allowed The Italians to seize the lead. Though the teams were largely even in the first half, the mistake put the gentlemen up 10-7.5. Cinco de Marco pressed in the second half to make up the stagger, but The Italians played vigilantly and mistake-free. In the end, the boys were just a bit too much for Cinco de Marco, winning 20-15. Despite the loss, the ladies achieved their highest finish ever and showed they are definitely a force in the league.
The Italians then got another shot at United RC. Before the match, someone asked Kyle Stout how long was left before exhibition 3v3 matches would occur. He responded that only one more match needed to be played. Before the sentence could emerge from his mouth, Michael Ford chimed in, saying, “Two more games. Since we’ll have to beat them twice.” Since the tourney was double-elimination, Ford had predicted not only the first ever loss for United RC, but also the second. Whether United RC had waited to unleash the horses for the Finals or the comment irked Stout and Lock, Ford probably wished he had kept his mouth shut.
The Championship Finals were the most-lopsided in NLR history. United RC played tenaciously, pouncing on The Italians on every snap. At halftime, the champions led 10-0. The beat down would get no better for The Italians, as Stout applied hellish pressure during the second half, pinning both players deep in their zone at every opportunity. Ford and Brewer panicked, allowing Lock to make an interception. On the next possession, Stout kept both opponents stuck within their own end zone, at which point Lock swooped in for the game-winning safety. The Italians left the field dejected and embarrassed. The 23.5-0 win gave United RC the Division A title, their Summer Series win in as many events.
Though teams showed some promise against the dynasty, Lock and Stout showed everyone they have a long way to go. 23.5-0 does not happen every day in a Championship Match.
Cinco de Marco Provide Biggest Upset in NLR History
The Ohio State Onslaught featured the biggest upset in the history of the National League of Rollerchairball. Previous to the event, The Andrew Wood Project had solidified their spot as second-best team in the league, behind United Rollerchairball Club. Cinco de Marco, on the other hand, had never finished in the money. As the two teams met in the Winners Semifinals, most people thought AWP would stroll to a meeting with United RC. Everyone figured incorrectly.
Greene and Eckert played the game of their lives, while AWP seemed lackluster and out of sorts. Cinco de Marco grabbed the opening play and controlled the match early. The crowd showed great appreciation as Taylor Greene and Mackenzie Eckert led at halftime, but waited for AWP to wake up and take back the game. Eckert and Greene would not allow it, however, as they played attacking, yet smart, offense and managed two stops on the high-powered duo of Andrew Wood and Kevin Shaw.
With the score at 17.5-15, the crowd sensed a huge upset. Cinco de Marco needed just one score to advance to the Winners Finals. Greene and Eckert played cautiously, hoping to avoid a turnover. Their safe mindset paid off, as they pushed the ball across the end line, winning 20-15. Those watching all burst into applause, noting the great feat just achieved.
Though Cinco de Marco then lost to United RC and later The Italians, they finished a career-high third and announced their arrival into the upper echelon of rollerchairball.
Italians Take Onslaught HS Tourney
With reigning champions, Doug’s Left Shoe, out of the Ohio State Onslaught, the best team from Zanesville looked to pounce on the High School Division. The Italians stormed Columbus, looking to make a debut to remember. Michael Ford and JR Brewer looked to show the RCB establishment that the High School Division was not the sole domain of Columbus players.
In the end, they accomplished just that. The only team to threaten The Italians was led by superstar Division A player, Taylor Greene. Greene’s normal High School partner, Debi Schuda, did not attend the tournament, so she created Luscious Jelly and Jam with Craig Eckert.
In the Championship Match, Greene showed she merits a Top 5 ranking, as she took it to the upstart gentlemen of The Italians. Greene played aggressively, beating the boys to the spot on nearly every move she made. Throw in some clutch catches by Eckert and LJAJ were playing well. Unfortunately, their defense could not match the offense. Despite the inability to shut down Greene, Ford and Brewer methodically dismantled LJAJ, never ceding a turnover. The Italians managed a 20-15 victory, scoring the High School title in the process.
The win cemented their claim that Zanesville players can hang with the best of RCB. Hopefully, the next few tourneys will pit the dynamic duo of Doug’s Left Shoe with The Italians to determine the best High School team. That match will definitely be one to watch.
Frog Prince Win Inaugural Mixed Doubles Tourney
The Ohio State Onslaught, stop number three of the National League of Rollerchairball’s Summer Series, featured the first Mixed Doubles tournament in league history. Some of the best male talent in the league paired with the cream of the female crop, looking for cash and glory.
The undefeated powerhouse of Division A play, United Rollerchairball Club, provided the pre-tournament favorites. Despite separating for the mixed play, most analysts predicted Brandon Lock and Kyle Stout would produce the best teams for the tourney. Stout teamed with tour veteran, Mackenzie Eckert, to form Frog Prince. Although Brandon Lock is one of the best rollerchairball